Sunday, April 17, 2011

that heather grey area...

Alright look.

We all know that the word "sweatpants" is stupid. I think it's safe to say that the term generally indicates awkward wang awareness – like, wangs of all ages, with levels of awkwardness ranging from "eek floppy nobby, that's awkward" to "aw. Aw man. Aw. Aw. Aw..."

Sweatpants are different for women, of course, but still bring with them an air of sloth, broad contempt for personal hygiene, and, if worn in public, the desperate aura of "hey, I THINK about exercise. IT HAS TO COUNT."

So sweatpants are stupid. The jury came in a long time ago and the point is settled.

Let's take a step back, though. Say the word out loud. Do it now. Sweatpants. Sweat pants. Sweat. Pants. On the one hand you've got your sweat, one the other hand you've got your pants. Let's face it: legs sweat, and butts? Well, they are the bosses of sweat. Why wouldn't they be? They've got a lot of work to do.

So start with your regular pants, which are already pretty goofy, because they're called pants. Then, whoa!, things start happenin', life takes you by surprise, the world goes topsy turvy and whammo: your sweatin'. And you're sweatin' in your pants. You, my friend, need some sweatpants. Something with a higher rate of absorption and more room for your droopy balls. Don't have any sweatpants on you? Well then, looks like you and your "jeans" are outta luck, buster. "Hello world, let me introduce you to the discomfiting wet spot down my crack," is what you might as well say. Point being: sometimes stupid things are necessary. This is an important point that you can all go ahead and carry forward into other areas of your lives. You're welcome.

And before you even think about it, wiseass, sweatslacks would never work. For one thing, nobody wears heather grey slacks. For another thing, we'd be looking at a downward spiral of manly hygiene. "Don't have to change my slacks for sweat? Why change them at all? Ever? Problem, ladies? This is who I am. Deal with it, and by "it" I mean, "me and my sweatslacks".

So let's not dig ourselves deeper by getting into the heather grey area of sweatpants vs. sweatslacks. In fact, let's just stop talking about it altogether. You know what? Let's just forget that we even had this conversation.

Sweatslacks.