The world of dating is idiotic. BUT with my past 10 years of non-experience I've devised twenty simple rules that will GUARANTEE your dating success. Stock up on your tampons guys n gals! And get ready for this FULL GUIDE to DATING SUCCESS:
1. Ladies, if you get your period during a date, don't sweat it! Ask him for a tampon. If he doesn't have one, teach him a lesson by bleeding through your pants. He'll remember next time!
2. On the first date, talk about your private parts as much as possible. You want them to have a clear picture of what they might be in for. Don't forget to include vivid, gesturally articulated descriptions of past stds, because we're all adults and honesty is important.
3. Girls, if he texts you, wait a full three months before responding. It will keep him guessing and make you seem less desperate. Because we all know how desperate you are.
4. Guys, be sure to mention your mother a lot, especially if you miss being a spoiled teenager living at home who never had to do a damn thing for yourself. Talking fondly of your mother will indicate to your date that you will settle for nothing less than your actual mother, and it will in turn make your date consider the joys of serving you.
5. Ladies, the true sign of his interest is when he says "yes" to face masks and watching A Night to Remember or even better, Bride Wars. You know he's a keeper when he wants to watch the two back to back. If he consequently approves of the removal of his balls, he's a total keeper!!
6. Fellas, pretend you have long hair. Nothing impresses a girl more than luscious Fabio locks, but if you haven't got them, act as though you do. Brush invisible strands away from your eyes and flick your non-existant mane alluringly. Before you know it, she'll be reaching for a brush... and a condom ;)
7. Ladies, guys love a little pickle between the toes. Start with a gherkin or a baby dill and go from there, pretty soon you'll have a big ol' kosher garlic in there, complete with his undying love!
8. If he proposes sexy times after the date, tell him you'd love to but you've got a bit of a rash. If he doesn't mind, you're golden. As Ms. Munroe was famously quoted as saying, "if he can't handle me at my rashy worst, he certainly doesn't deserve me at my rashy best!"
9. Fart loudly and often, but call them "toots".
10. If you begin to feel nauseous during the date, ask if your date if he remembered to spray axe body spray on his genitals that day. If he says no, barf. If he says yes, your nausea is likely just your imagination. Or you are pregnant.
11. If one of you is pregnant, celebrate with dinner and dancing. If he is pregnant, contact a scientist immediately.
12. Ladies, never make the first move. If you see him across the room and would like to talk to him, do not move. Even blinking could ruin your chances. Not. A. Muscle. Most happily married women have maintained a pose of complete stasis throughout their relationships. Men go crazy for it!
13. If you're a mother, talk in detail about how much your vagina stretched during childbirth. If possible, demonstrate with a nearby napkin or do that vag-hand thing with a waiter. Your date will get the picture, and the wideness of his eyes will reflect the exact wideness of his respect for you.
14. Guys, if you get a boner during the date, make use of it and carry her purse on it. Chivalry is not dead, and you've just proved it!
15. On a first date, both of you should instantly agree that Disneyland is the best place for a honeymoon. If this does not happen, end all forms of communication immediately. Then go home and wish upon that goddamned star again.
16. Guys, flowers are boring! Surprise her with something creative like a pregnant cat or a sad puppy. She'll never forget it, and neither will you probably.
17. Remember this #1 rule: NO SHOES ON THE FIRST DATE. You don't want to miss your chance with a foot fetishist! THIS IS THE #1 RULE.
18. Cry a lot during the first seven dates.
19. To send him the right message during dinner, kick his nuts under the table. This is a classic strategy and is guaranteed to make him marry you by communicating that you are a NO NONSENSE, INDEPENDENT WOMAN.
20. Remember that DREAMS DO COME TRUE IF YOU SLEEP ENOUGH. If he doesn't call you back, don't worry about it! Go back to bed and sleep until someone better comes along. Or until you die.
NOW GET OUT THERE AND ENJOY YOUR SUCKCESSES IN LOVE!