Saturday, October 23, 2010

DARE TO DREAM

Hey kids! It's true that you can do anything that you dream of! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, THEY WILL COME TRUE. UNLESS:

- you are not very good at the thing that you are trying to do
- you are stupid
- you want to be a model and are very, very ugly (unless it's for ugly modelling)
- you have no self-esteem
- your dreams are about dragons, unicorns, mermaids or the becoming of a mermaid, fairies, the movie Willow, flying without use of man-made shit, eating 50 pies at once, endless love, time travel, interstellar space flight, wizards, penis enlargement, winning the lottery, finding happiness on the internet, dinosaurs coming back to life, world peace, your parents "getting you", meeting that celebrity who you're sure would really like you, obtaining superpowers, winning at chess against your computer, Narnia, vampires, Mel Gibson not being racist, retiring rich, getting younger, the world making sense, and, of course, having sex in zero gravity. Sorry, but none of that shit is going to happen.

OTHERWISE FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS. LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS A BIT FIRST THOUGH, THEN FOLLOW THEM HARD.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

DATING TIPS

The world of dating is idiotic. BUT with my past 10 years of non-experience I've devised twenty simple rules that will GUARANTEE your dating success. Stock up on your tampons guys n gals! And get ready for this FULL GUIDE to DATING SUCCESS:

1. Ladies, if you get your period during a date, don't sweat it! Ask him for a tampon. If he doesn't have one, teach him a lesson by bleeding through your pants. He'll remember next time!

2. On the first date, talk about your private parts as much as possible. You want them to have a clear picture of what they might be in for. Don't forget to include vivid, gesturally articulated descriptions of past stds, because we're all adults and honesty is important.

3. Girls, if he texts you, wait a full three months before responding. It will keep him guessing and make you seem less desperate. Because we all know how desperate you are.

4. Guys, be sure to mention your mother a lot, especially if you miss being a spoiled teenager living at home who never had to do a damn thing for yourself. Talking fondly of your mother will indicate to your date that you will settle for nothing less than your actual mother, and it will in turn make your date consider the joys of serving you.

5. Ladies, the true sign of his interest is when he says "yes" to face masks and watching A Night to Remember or even better, Bride Wars. You know he's a keeper when he wants to watch the two back to back. If he consequently approves of the removal of his balls, he's a total keeper!!

6. Fellas, pretend you have long hair. Nothing impresses a girl more than luscious Fabio locks, but if you haven't got them, act as though you do. Brush invisible strands away from your eyes and flick your non-existant mane alluringly. Before you know it, she'll be reaching for a brush... and a condom ;)

7. Ladies, guys love a little pickle between the toes. Start with a gherkin or a baby dill and go from there, pretty soon you'll have a big ol' kosher garlic in there, complete with his undying love!

8. If he proposes sexy times after the date, tell him you'd love to but you've got a bit of a rash. If he doesn't mind, you're golden. As Ms. Munroe was famously quoted as saying, "if he can't handle me at my rashy worst, he certainly doesn't deserve me at my rashy best!"

9. Fart loudly and often, but call them "toots".

10. If you begin to feel nauseous during the date, ask if your date if he remembered to spray axe body spray on his genitals that day. If he says no, barf. If he says yes, your nausea is likely just your imagination. Or you are pregnant.

11. If one of you is pregnant, celebrate with dinner and dancing. If he is pregnant, contact a scientist immediately.

12. Ladies, never make the first move. If you see him across the room and would like to talk to him, do not move. Even blinking could ruin your chances. Not. A. Muscle. Most happily married women have maintained a pose of complete stasis throughout their relationships. Men go crazy for it!

13. If you're a mother, talk in detail about how much your vagina stretched during childbirth. If possible, demonstrate with a nearby napkin or do that vag-hand thing with a waiter. Your date will get the picture, and the wideness of his eyes will reflect the exact wideness of his respect for you.

14. Guys, if you get a boner during the date, make use of it and carry her purse on it. Chivalry is not dead, and you've just proved it!

15. On a first date, both of you should instantly agree that Disneyland is the best place for a honeymoon. If this does not happen, end all forms of communication immediately. Then go home and wish upon that goddamned star again.

16. Guys, flowers are boring! Surprise her with something creative like a pregnant cat or a sad puppy. She'll never forget it, and neither will you probably.

17. Remember this #1 rule: NO SHOES ON THE FIRST DATE. You don't want to miss your chance with a foot fetishist! THIS IS THE #1 RULE.

18. Cry a lot during the first seven dates.

19. To send him the right message during dinner, kick his nuts under the table. This is a classic strategy and is guaranteed to make him marry you by communicating that you are a NO NONSENSE, INDEPENDENT WOMAN.

20. Remember that DREAMS DO COME TRUE IF YOU SLEEP ENOUGH. If he doesn't call you back, don't worry about it! Go back to bed and sleep until someone better comes along. Or until you die.

NOW GET OUT THERE AND ENJOY YOUR SUCKCESSES IN LOVE!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

back 2 jokes 2

BACK TO THAT HILARIOUS THAT JOKE I STARTED...

After 20 minutes of standing in uncomfortable silence, one of the chilean miners says "hey, qué dijo 'menores' o 'mineros'?" One of the babies replies, "minors". The chilean miners laugh heartily and return to the bar. The other baby says, "odio ser tan joven" and they begin a busking routine.

-disclaimer- I don't know where the babies' mothers are. Obviously the babies have sufficient life skills and intelligence though, so don't worry about it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

back 2 jokes

Jokes are floating back into my brain, therefore I will return to joke posting.

Bad joke posting. Such as:

Two babies walk into a bar. The bartender says "hey, no minors". The babies leave the bar.

The rescued chilean miners walk into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, no minors". The miners, having walked in at the exact same time as the babies and having only a vague understanding of the nuances of the english language, leave the bar.

Outside of the bar, the miners and the babies stand in awkward silence.

TO BE CONTINUED...