Monday, June 28, 2010

rude 'tudin'

MEGA RUDE POST ALERT

Following up with my night of "nothin but boners" themed dreams (sooooo many boners in last night's talk show... clown boners, other kinds of boners... mostly male... my brain was apparently impressed). Honestly boners, take a bow and stand down. You're truly are the heros of the night.

Anyway, following up with that, I have a joke that I'm gonna get down before I tell someone and it circulates and then I can't use it. I've had it for years now and my worry is that somehow the psychic collective consciousness will get keen to it and then I won't get any goddamn credit for it. BLOGGING IT MAKES IT MINE (yelling at 9:30 in the am means I'm serious).

It goes like this:

If you grew up in a Christian-y home, you may have lived with the whole "touching yourself is EVIL EVIL EVIL DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT CROTCH OF YOURS. Over time, I've come to realize that there are two things that share an uncanny amount of similarities: guilt-ridden masturbation, and eating McDonalds. Here's how they go:

"Mmmmmm, you know what I could really go for right now?"
"I really shouldn't, but it's kind of been long enough, hasn't it? I kind of deserve it."
"Yeah, it'll be no big deal. Mmmmm I know exactly what I want too..."
"Yup, this is good. Oh man this is good. I love this. I LOVE this."
"I LOVE THIS F*CK GEEZ OH GOD THIS IS GOOD."
"..."
"..."
"... that was bad. I'm a terrible person."
"Why did I do that? What's wrong with me?"
"Geez I gotta get rid of the evidence!" (this is why you see so much McDonalds garbage in highway ditches)
"Ugh cleaning this up is disgusting. How did it get...?"
"I'm going to hell."
"My hands smell like burgers."

GOLD RIGHT? I'll only share it for money or praise and glory.