Monday, June 28, 2010

rude 'tudin'

MEGA RUDE POST ALERT

Following up with my night of "nothin but boners" themed dreams (sooooo many boners in last night's talk show... clown boners, other kinds of boners... mostly male... my brain was apparently impressed). Honestly boners, take a bow and stand down. You're truly are the heros of the night.

Anyway, following up with that, I have a joke that I'm gonna get down before I tell someone and it circulates and then I can't use it. I've had it for years now and my worry is that somehow the psychic collective consciousness will get keen to it and then I won't get any goddamn credit for it. BLOGGING IT MAKES IT MINE (yelling at 9:30 in the am means I'm serious).

It goes like this:

If you grew up in a Christian-y home, you may have lived with the whole "touching yourself is EVIL EVIL EVIL DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT CROTCH OF YOURS. Over time, I've come to realize that there are two things that share an uncanny amount of similarities: guilt-ridden masturbation, and eating McDonalds. Here's how they go:

"Mmmmmm, you know what I could really go for right now?"
"I really shouldn't, but it's kind of been long enough, hasn't it? I kind of deserve it."
"Yeah, it'll be no big deal. Mmmmm I know exactly what I want too..."
"Yup, this is good. Oh man this is good. I love this. I LOVE this."
"I LOVE THIS F*CK GEEZ OH GOD THIS IS GOOD."
"..."
"..."
"... that was bad. I'm a terrible person."
"Why did I do that? What's wrong with me?"
"Geez I gotta get rid of the evidence!" (this is why you see so much McDonalds garbage in highway ditches)
"Ugh cleaning this up is disgusting. How did it get...?"
"I'm going to hell."
"My hands smell like burgers."

GOLD RIGHT? I'll only share it for money or praise and glory.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

there are lines, nature...

I like to think of myself as a lover of nature. Growing up, I spent many many days outside running wild, and I can appreciate that, within nature, there isn't a lot of fair play. Nests get stolen, legs get broken, mates get hit by cars, babies are vulnerable, and when something is hungry, it eats something else. Extreme beauty needs extreme offensiveness to exist, life needs death, growth needs decay, circle of life etc, etc...

Overall I take an impartial stance to it. The reality of living is that we're a part of it. Obviously, as a species we aren't very good at respecting it or letting it be, and for a variety of reasons, we believe ourselves to be outside of its rules. It's usually a shock to realize that we aren't.

I hate nature today because a wasp attacked my baby. It landed on her, she grabbed it before I knew what was happening, and it ravaged her pudgy little hands while she understandably freaked out. I now curse the purpose of wasps and view the sweet smelling and previously beautiful lilacs outside as havens for these monsters; conspirators in the pain inflicted on my chubby little snuggle poop.

As a natural member of natural species – not to mention a mother – I feel entirely justified and satisfied in the heartless and rage-filled manner that I disposed of the offending wasp. Moms in nature go apeshit in regards to protecting their babies, and I did indeed go apeshit on that wasp.

I don't have a solid conclusion for this post, and I don't feel like getting extensively philosophical. I guess I just needed to express my disapproval of wasps to the void, and also to send out a warning to nature: I'm part of nature too, yo. I'm just as wild as any of y'all and I will lose my shit if you mess with my babies. Consider your waspselves warned.