Thursday, May 6, 2010

now this should happen...

Here's how my day would go if everything happened exactly as I wanted:

After cleaning up breakfast there would be a knock at the door. It would be Marry Poppins and she would actually be answering Vera's wish for a non-grumpy caretaker (probably expressed in the form of a charming song which I grumbly asked her to sing quieter). After examining Ms. Poppins' paperwork and identification, I'd invite her in. I'd go have a shower and get ready for the day while she cleaned the entire house with magic and sang cheerful songs that taught the girls to respect their mother and be tidier. She would also zap away the zit that I went ape-shit on yesterday.

After a quick lecture to Ms. Poppins on how adding spoonfuls of sugar to everything actually causes diabetes, I'd head out to have a fancy free day on my own. The weather would instantly clear up (and apologize) and I'd hop on my bike, the city my oyster and I, a clam-opening wrench thing.

Along my ride I'd spot a hundred-dollar bill on the street. A nearby policeman would confirm its non-counterfeitness and would also wink and say "looks like it's your lucky day". We'd laugh and high five, then I'd continue on my way. The first place I'd go would be Another Dimension Comics, because I haven't been there in a while and it's an easy stop on my bike ride. I'd buy the latest and funnest looking books and as I was paying they'd offer to deliver them to my house so that I didn't have to carry them around all day. I'd graciously accept the offer.

As I left the store I'd realize that I'd just spent my hundred dollars, but at the very same moment the policeman from before would pop over and hand me a roll of hundreds. "It's drug money, what are we gonna do with it?" he'd say. I'd give one back to him appreciatively and tell him to buy himself something nice. He would go and do that.

Then I'd pop by Ginger Group for a haircut. They'd trim up my mop and also try out an amazing new perm product that responds to my moods. All I'd have to do was think of the hair that I wanted, and it'd do it. I'd leave an extra big tip. Then, on my way to the pub, I'd run into a few super fun friends who also had the day off. We'd have lots to talk about so we'd all double on my bike to the pub. I'd get a bufford's deluxe with au jus and yam fries, and a pint of traditional amber ale. We'd talk about awesome stuff and make crass jokes that would make us hemorrhage with mirth, and then David Bowie would come sit with us and offer to buy any building in the city for our own fun and creative purposes. We'd choose the King Edward School and Bowie would be like, "let me know when you need more funds". Then we'd sing 'Life on Mars' until we all transcended into a higher plane of brain power, and we'd leave the pub with the ability to manipulate time and space.

Then I would stop time and beam myself to every interesting and exotic locale on the planet, and I would also be able to sense and envision every habitable planet in the universe. I'd relay this knowledge to my pub friends who would have already thought about it as well, and we'd begin formulating lists of who to relocate to which planets. There would be plenty of planets for everyone and we'd only choose ones that didn't already have established inhabitants. Obviously, all the jerks would go to one of the shitty planets.

Then I'd be tired, so I'd start time again and come home. Ms. Poppins would have cleaned and organized everything in our place with perfect intuition, and wouldn't be offended when I told her that we were all going to move away anyway. I'd give her a bunch of money and she'd happily sing a song about the winds changing while I led her to the door and ushered her out.

Then I would again stop time and have a long, uninterrupted nap. When I woke up I'd rearrange time so that Mike's day would have still been passing, and he'd get home right away. Then I'd explain the cool new planet I'd found and who was going to go there too, and we make arrangements to leave. Naturally, I'd fix earth as best as I could before we left. Then all of our friends and funnest family would all move to the wicked new planet, and because of mine and my friends mind abilities, we'd set everything up and live totally comfortably. Whenever we realized we'd forgotten something or someone, we'd alter time and space to retrieve them.

Wait, the ability to manipulate time and space is blowing my mind. The possibilities are actually too crazy. But, assuming that my new incredi-mind would be able to handle it, I'll stick to this plan. But then again, the idea of altering my physical self just popped in, and hooo boy, that's tricky stuff. Tighter tummy, cuter busts, slimmer nose, thicker hair, taller bod... it's a spiral of craziness.

Huh. Maybe the mind powers are too much. Everything else, though – I'm standing by it. Wrap it up with a bath, some wine, and a few episodes of an awesome show... that'd be an AWESOME day.