Monday, May 10, 2010

double down, down, down...

Everyone has heard about this, right? KFC's 'Double Down'? Today Mike joked that he had one for lunch, and for a second I lost incredible amounts of respect for him.

For a lot of people, the "sandwich" itself probably seems benign enough. Sure, it's incredibly unhealthy to ludicrous proportions, but what many people may not realize are the longer lasting emotional, psychological, spiritual consequences of eating this mitt-full of grease and salt. Let me explain:

If you eat the Double Down, the following things will happen to you:
- you will no longer be able to tell the difference between good and evil. But, seeing as how you chose to eat it in the first place, this may not have been your strong suit to begin with.
- you will no longer be able to feel love. Much, much more than blood will be clogged from entering your heart.
- you will forget most of your treasured childhood memories. The overpowering spice combination plus the trauma of the overall experience will permanently alter your long term memories, replacing every person you ever loved with a deep-fried wad of processed chicken.
- it will become harder to make eye contact with those around you. Others will sense the change in you, and their instinctual impulse will be to respect you less. You'll know this, and while not making eye contact you'll also apologize habitually (more than you already do, if you're Canadian).
- you will never desire sex of any kind again. Every crotch will smell like bacon and pepper jack cheese, and any formerly erotic wetness will be replaced with the Colonel's Sauce. Trust me, it will get old real fast.
- dogs will try to eat you all of the time.
- your eyes will lose all pigment because of the profound loss of your will to live. You also won't be able to see colour anymore because of liver failure or something.
- other people's heads will start morphing into the sandwich, which will further confuse you morally because you are now technically addicted to the sandwich and want to eat it all of the time. When you give in to the urge, people will assume that you are the undead and you'll have to live in a cave somewhere, or start a colony with other "DD'ers" and take the whole "trying not to eat each other's heads" thing day by day.
- when you eventually die you will go straight to hell because you failed to read KFC's fine print that, upon consumption of the sandwich, your soul goes straight to Satan for eternity.

Don't say I didn't warn you.