Monday, March 22, 2010

not the smell of success

I was recently struck by the inane profundity of smell. Basically smell happens when teensy tiny molecules of the emitting matter floats into your nose and gets caught by the super sophisticated little receptors in our schnozes. It's pretty amazing that something that you can't see can have such a powerful effect on you. Most of my memories are triggered by smell, and the smell of things around me effects my mood in big ways. That's not really the profound part, because we're all pretty aware of the difference between the smell of barf and the smell of spring, and how those two smells make us feel.

For me, the big deal is this: those tiny molecules are being consumed by me. My nose is eating them. That means that when you fart near me, you are kind of making me eat your fart. Wait – not just eating your fart – you are making me eat teensy tiny molecules of the poop that is queued up in your bum. THIS IS WHY FARTING DURING MEALS IS THE GROSSEST THING A HUMAN COULD POSSIBLY DO. It's just short of pooing at the dinner table.

So to all those supper-time farters, I'm telling you now: stop. Stop it. Stop what you are doing and think about being a better human being. It's really really gross.

There you go. Nose food for thought.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

sunday diaryah #30

It's been three months since my last diaryah post, so I'm gonna pick out the best few to get back up to speed. Condensed pre-teen drama! Wooooooooooo!!!

"Dec 30, 92
Dear Diary,
I slept over at Sam's for 2 days in a row. The first time it was after Benny-Sue's reception and Pam and Nat were there. Last night it was just me and Sam, we slept in the spare room, it was lots of fun! We drank lots of pop and played cards. I've always wondered what beer tasted like, and they have some of that .5 beer so we tried it and it was sooooo gross! It tasted like fizzy turnip juice with loads of yeast in it. I don't think I'll ever drink. Sam agreed it was very disgusting. Well I like Chris again. He cam eto my house and a bunch of us watched a movie. It was me, Deanne, Jen, Chris, Brad, Ryan, and me. Ryan was flirting alot with me. I didn't really want to flirt with him so I tried not to. But when I looked over at Chris he would look at me and he looked so sad. Sam says he likes me, because that day I was in the kitchen playing with play-doh with Pam, Audrey and Sam, and Sam said he couldn't stay out of the dining room and that he kept watching me. This coming year we're having the May camp at our old family camp spot, because Hamilton's bought it. I really hope Chris comes because I really want to get close to him. At least hold hands. We've all decided to call it a "special moment". Tomorrow I'm going with Sam to saskatoon to visit her grandparents.
From,
Sarah"

"Jan 6, 92
Dear Diary,
Well, I've definitely been flirting alot. I flirted with Quenton all mutual, just for fun. I'm getting my perm tomorrow after school. YAHOO! Not only that, but my face is really clearing AND Jill is finally getting it through her head that she's a scum. Today Colbey called her a ho because she kicked him, she called him a a__hole and cried in the bathroom for a whole class. I guess she liked him and got offended that he called her a ho. But she is a ho, so I don't feel very sorry for her. I'm really starting to feel like I fit in at school. Everyone thinks Chris is my boyfriend, and Colbey thought Andy liked me. They were talking and this was their conversation:
A - I don't know if I like Kim anymore.
C - Do you like someone else?
A - (smiles)
C - is it Melissa?
A - NOT!
C - oh, I know!
A - what?
C - Is it who I think it is?
A - probably not
C- is it (points at me)
A - I don't know
C - it's Sarah!
A - (no comment)

I turned around and they both kina looked at me. Then Colbey started making dumb jokes. I just let it go. I'd never go out with Andy anyway, he only goes with girls to get his "kicks".
Tired,
Sarah"

*okay this is me now. I'm just gonna skip Feb '92... I recently reconnected with the person who features in that month and posting those days will almost certainly result in awkward embarrassment. Plus I'm a bit hungover and typing is a total chore right now.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I give Gentlemen Broncos a "yes"

I recently watched a film that I really liked. I was anticipating it for a while, but then got caught up in babyland, then finally saw it and loved it, and then googled reviews of it to find that it had received a 16% Rotten Tomatoes rating and that lots and lots of people hated it. I can't decide if I'm glad or angry that it got such poor reviews. On the one hand, if the vast slough of boring, aging, and popular opinions didn't like it, I'm left to revel in being one of the few who "got" it, and anyone else who liked it will be my instant friend. On the other hand, it's also kinda sad to know that I'm so radically outnumbered by boring, aging, and popular opinions, and that anyone who hated it is probably not someone I'll ever truly be able to connect with.

The movie was Gentlemen Broncos, and it was like a dream come true. Literally. It was actually really similar to a lot of my dreams. God, where do I start with how much I loved this movie? The title credits would be a good place. Every credit sat on a vintage-y sci-fi novel cover, each cover getting me more and more excited about what I was about to see. As an aspiring uber-nerd and someone who seriously plans to write the worst sci-fi space romance novel ever written (for real), I felt like someone out in the vast cheese void was reaching out and holding my hand, assuring me that I was not alone in my compulsion to spin tales of stupid and weird.

All I want to do is go through the movie again and take screen shots, sooooo... that's what I'm gonna do. I don't feel like talking about the plot, characters, blah blah blah... everyone has done that already and I don't think that those points were really what Jared and Jerusha Hess were super concerned with here. These crappy pictures from my tv screen are exactly what I loved about the movie (SPOILER ALERTS, these pics might give some plot away):

 
These novel covers were kinda the most awesome way that the movie could have started. Also, I like Jennifer Coolidge.

 
I think (hope) that they were original art, but I think I might get my crap sci-fi novel cover collection on now. Totes inspired.

 
Another gooder. Perfect opening credits!

  
 I would've put them all up, but you'll just have to watch the movie for the rest.

  
 Bronco sewing one of his balls back on. Also, I love sci-fi images with moons and comets and weird sky stuff in the background. I google search "planet artist rendering" sometimes just to fantasize about how cool they are.

  
 My mom and my aunts went through a huge padded lacy binder phase. I have one in my house right now.

  
Cyclops + bad wigs = movie gold.

  
 Brutus eating some iffy yeast, I loved the bit that followed...

  
"s'pretty good! S'pretty darn good."

  
Superb "shot in the boob" scene.

  
 Battle Stag.

  
 He's funny.

  
 I didn't like this guy though. Kinda off point.

  
I could have made this exact thing when I was 13. Exact. Thing.

  
Great "shot in each nipple" scene.

  
Shoving popcorn car through jail bars. A+!

  
 His story is going to be fine. Phew!

  
 This part wasn't particularly amazing but I caught it at a cool still so I'm including it.

  
 This moment was by far the funniest part of the whole movie. That cyclops almost lost his shit.

 
Good sci-fi explosion.

Also, I didn't catch a shot of the flesh pockets, but they were pretty awse too. So ya, that's why I loved this movie. Also, Jared Hess comes from a mormon small town, and while most people interpret his style as "quirky social ineptness", all it is, really, is mormon small town-ness. I knew boys who performed self-written love songs on a mini keytar at the town talent show, others who went ape shit during youth water fights, one who responded to the insult "cunt" by saying "at least I have one", one who loudly prophesied the end of the world based on clouds that looked like hands... I knew a big burly man (father and husband) who wore pearl necklaces and women's dress shoes to church, a man who got up to the church pulpit during "testimony meeting" to ask mystery teenagers (us) to please not shut his power off (it was a recurring practical joke) because he had meat in his deep freeze and was going on vacation, women who clucked and chattered like mother hens about the profound importance of glue guns and ranch dressing, and girls who didn't know shit about anything but reveled in their contrived soap opera dramas about perms, periods, braces, being able to sing, and being the most virtuous girl in town. The awkwardness that Hess portrays isn't just quirky for quirky's sake. That stuff is aaaaaallll real. Those people all exist. I liked Napoleon Dynamite for that same sense of familiarity, but Gentlemen Broncos once again made me feel right at home. Hess and I basically grew up in the same town.

Conclusion: Hess' world is one that I like lots, and this movie has further inspired my dream to write my really really awful space romance novel. I'm happier for having seen Gentlemen Broncos. Don't care that a bunch of old boring critics didn't like it. Screw them.