Monday, August 24, 2009

Dear Sammy Lord

Hi Sammy,

Let's talk. I understand that your present circumstances make it difficult for you to come to my house to pick up my washer and dryer. I also understand that not everyone can pay cash (especially when you can't come in person for the pick-up). Things are hard all 'round, what with these difficult economic times. I'm sure Nigeria is no exception.

But really, you don't need to write 500 word paragraphs explaining your situation to me. I answered your first inquiry politely and redirected you to the ad, and I don't really understand how that could have led to an extensive letter detailing the complicated conditions under which you would like to acquire my washer and dryer. Honestly, they're just a plain second-hand set, and I thought "cash and pick-up only" was pretty clear. Nothing personal, of course. Sorry if I've hurt your feelings, as you seemed to have put so much effort into your tale of "washer and dryer neediness".

I can only imagine why you need them so badly. Have yours broken? Are there no replacements where you are? Do you urgently need to wash a load of soiled pants and simply have no alternatives? Trust me, you have my sympathies, but unfortunately not my money. It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I really don't trust you.

On the upside, you have a terrific name, and I will keep it in mind for the next time I'm writing a story.

Please don't take my tone as accusatory or paranoid. We all know that Kijiji is a safe and and trustful place for the selling of merchandise. And rest assured, I don't think that you're a scam artist. There is certainly no art in what you do.


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

tree puns!


My brothers and our friend used to make lots of home movies. Once there was a fighting scene where a guy is getting beat up by the hero, and they were outside so the hero was using lines that involved trees ("maybe you should get in touch with your roots", etc). Yesterday while I was in the shower (where I get all of my most brilliant ideas), I started imagining all the great tree puns that could be used if a person were beating up another person in a forest or while around a bunch of trees.

Keep in mind that these would be best used during an exceptionally long, and mostly one-sided fight. Basically the victor is just stretching the fight out for pun purposes:

- "Wow, I'm really kicking your Ash!"
- "Don't give me any Sass(afrass)!"
- "Your mother should've named you Spruce, but then, you were never very Poplar!"
- "You want me to stop? Well Maple I will and Maple I won't!"
- "Holly moly! You're a wimp!"
- "You haven't had enough? Oak-ey dokey!"
- "You'll have pines and needles for weeks after this!"
- "You're such a pussy (willow)!"
- "You've got Alder wrong moves!"
- "Isn't life a Beech?"
- "It's also kind of a Birch!"
- "I'm sorry, I'm just having a hard time Cypress-ing my rage!"
- "Right in the Buckeye!"
- "You're gross and probably have Dutch Elm Disease!"

Kay that last one wasn't a pun, but the fighter guy ran out of things to say. So now you're fully equipped for the next time you are beating someone up among a bunch of trees. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

sunday diaryah #26

I can't believe we're already edging closer to mid-August. Time hey? It passes!

Speaking of time, let's go BACK IN IT!

"August 11, 92
Dear Diary,
Kyla's having her birthday party tomarrow, and me, Pam and Svea are going to buy her a hammock because she wants one really bad and she's been trying to save up her money for one. And we're going to go riding tomarrow too. Pam and Svea made her a flower pot cake while I occupied Kyla for a while so she wouldn't suspect anything. We're making her a treasure hunt for her to find her presents.
P.S. I still like Chris."

"August 13, 92
Dear Diary,
Last night I finally saw Chris's house! He's got a long drive-way! I still really like him! Well today there was a dance at the church that Kevin and Katherine held and Caroline L. kicked all the 12-13 year olds out! Everyone was mad. Chris was even there! Well, I'm very tired.
P.S. I figured out how to use tampons today!"

On that note... happy Sunday?

Monday, August 3, 2009

definitely too soon. sorry.

Ever since I found out that Kevin Costner was scheduled to play right before the storm chaos at the Big Valley Jamboree, I've had something that I need to get off of my chest...

I'm not a bad person. I simply have a mind that is naturally and acutely attracted to possible funniness. I have a "what if" scenario rolling through my mind, and in no way is my intent to demean the tragedies that occurred the day of the storm. That storm was terrifying and awful and it's depressing to think about. My re-imagined scenario rewinds the events of that day and rewrites them without tragedy – only love. And Kevin Costner.

It goes a little somethin', a-like this:

Due to the scheduled band's lead singer losing his will to live, Kevin Costner and his band are bumped up one set, and are therefore playing when the thick of the storm blows in. Naturally, every middle-aged rural Alberta mom is pressed up to the front, and the steamy anticipation of their crowd section is almost more distracting than the 100km winds stirring up nearby. When the storm suddenly rages and the stage collapses, the women glow with a surge of "save-Kevin-Costner" inspired adrenaline, and lift it before anyone is seriously injured. Unfortunately, Mr. Costner is struck by a 10lb pair of panties, knocked unconscious, and is at risk of being trampled in the pandemonium of the terrified, non-housewife section of the crowd.

Just when a 5' amp teeters precariously above his head, a busty, permed, and big-banged 40-something woman wearing an oversized Dances with Wolves t-shirt lifts Costner from the debris and begins carrying him away from harm. At the exact same moment, a panicked concert-goer trips on the stage, and a copy of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You flies from her 8-ball jacket and lands miraculously in an open tape deck, which the wind then blows closed and a flying rock presses the play button, initiating the song over the loud speakers. News cameras zoom in on Glenda carrying Costner out of harm's way, but due to wind damage, the cameras pick up the video in slow-motion (the sound is fine though), and the world sees the scene live. There is not a dry eye in the rural midwest.

Walking hastily with the slowly recovering Costner in her arms, Glenda heads to the nearest field to perform extensive mouth-to-mouth-to-unmentionables on her hero before he is too alert to resist. Her half-noble plan is thwarted, however, when a funnel cloud dips out of the sky and lifts them both high into the clouds.

During the half-hour that Costner and Glenda are floating through the fantastical heavens, a spark of understanding develops between them when they realize that, despite their incompatible social status and life experiences, they aren't so different (they are both human, after all). Eventually they are gently dropped into the middle of a backyard tupperware party where Costner, inspired by his dramatic journey, buys the entire lot of tupperware. Ambrosia salad for all!!

Costner quickly realizes that he prefers the quiet rural life, and he settles with Glenda in a nearby garden shed. They get a dog and spend many quiet years basking in the simplicity of the peaceful suburbanized-countryside. Eventually, Glenda gets pregnant, and Costner hastily moves back to Hollywood. A feature film is made from Costner's memoirs of the experience, entitled: Waterworld 2: TORNADOS.

So yeah, that's the story that has been running through my brain making me feel bad. Normally I would divulge it with a bit more tact; say, at the pub after three pints. Unfortunately, I am at home and on anti-social-pregs-time, so I have nowhere to vent such inappropriateness other than to myself, Mike, and whoever reads this. Please don't judge me too harshly, in my head it was really funny.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

sunday diaryah # 25

Coincidentally, my journal entries were sparser during the summer as well, so you haven't missed much.

"July 12, 92
Dear Diary,
Well, family camp is over, it was pretty fun! I went water-skiing and I made it up on my first try! I also went tubing! That was really fun. When we first got there Pam wouldn't even talk to me! And she was real snappy. I think she likes Chris and she's really jealous because Chris pays more attention to me than her.* Kyla and Amanda say he likes me, but I'm not really sure. Kyla likes him too now, but I don't really mind so much. I love him, it's for sure now. Pretty soon regional camp will be coming up. We have to be at Tanya's house at 4:30 in the morning! (on tuesday) And then we have to do a two mile hike with our luggage after a six hour drive in a stuffy bus! Real fun huh?
Too in love for words,

*Sorry Pam!

"July 26, 92
Dear Diary,
Yesterday we celebrated Pioneer and Canada Day. It was fun! After everything was over me, Pam, Nat, Audrey, Quenton, Shawn, and a bunch of little kids played baseball and I hit two home runs!* I really think Quenton likes me. He always looks at me ever since the baseball game. Well gotta go!

*Looks like we celebrated Canada Day a little late... also not meaning to brag, but as I've mentioned before, I possessed the freak talent of brute strength as a teen (this also played into my obsession with superheroes which I don't write about). I could throw a baseball across a field, hit balls out of the park, torpedo volleyballs into opposite gym walls, and execute (legal) bloody noses during soccer matches. I used to go out by myself to the church field and hit baseballs as far as I could. It was fun and I miss it. I can still throw and hit better than most guys, but I'm out of practice, and way more likely to hurt myself. Does anyone in Calgary play baseball for fun? I'd love to join (once I'm not pregs).

"August 3, 92
Dear Diary,
Well, today Pam, Kyla and I butchered all the broiler chickens!* It was neat! And after we went to French Bay for the ward picnic. I came back at 10:00 and had a big bubble bath! It was so nice! After I washed my hair.
Very clean, but tired,
(written in bubble letters)"

*Yes, I've butchered chickens! We didn't kill them (my Aunt did), but we did every thing else. It's pretty easy, so if anyone ever needs a teammate in a survival situation, I might be able to remember how to do it. Maybe. Probably not.