Tuesday, June 30, 2009

incredulousness

If there was one sound effect that I could will into everyday real life sounds, it would be the "record-scratch" sound. For all those occasions when things are going along just fine and then something INCREDULOUS happens, there is really no better defining sound. Maybe I don't listen to enough mainstream radio and annoying dj's, but I think the record-scratch is seriously, even critically, underused.

For example:
Gerald: "Hey Chuck! It's Friday! Shut the desk down and get yerself a beer!"
Chuck: "Haha, I gotta work late, but drink one for me okay?"
Gerald: "Hahahaha! Okay buddy! And I'll do you one better, I'll screw a dude for you!" -*record scratch*-

Awkward silence.

Chuck: "Gerry, I'm not gay."
Gerald: "Oh. Welp, see you Monday!"

Granted, that isn't the best example, but it was the first one I could think of. Businessmen: always good for a laugh.

I'd also like to see a conversation filled with incredulous drink spews, double-takes, SINGLE-takes (more potent than the double-take, invented by my brother Matt), surprised choking, lots of saying "SAY WHAAAAAAAT?", and of course, record scratch sound effects. It could eventually degrade into pure nonsensical slapstick with various irrelevant sound effects, but it would have to be a slow build, else the brilliance would be lost. And rest assured, there would be brilliance.

Brilliant like the sun after a million farts. *RECORD-SCRATCH* SAY WHAAAAAAAT?

I dunno.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

sunday diaryah #23

"June 22, 92
Dear Diary,
I didn't have to go to school because I finished Math early so I went fishing with Laws. We caught 9 fish and I caught one! Heather was real upset because she never got one. Lan was really aggravating because he'd yell and scream over the dumbest things! I have my science test tomarrow and I haven't even studied!
From,
Sarah"

"June 26, 92
Dear Diary,
Well I passed all my tests and today school officially ends! Yesterday Sam, Pam, Me, and Little John went to French Bay, it was pretty fun. Chris, Lars, and Svea went fishing so, of course Chris was at their house. I finally gave him the mallard! He really seemed to like it! Nat is really mad at Pam and I, we're not very good friends anymore. A whole bunch of us except Nat, Amanda and Sarah L. went to the lake today. It was cold but we went swimming anyway. I swam with shorts and a bathing suit on, and when I took off my shirt so only my bathing suit and shorts showed, Chris would keep looking at me, he even followed me a bit when we were in the water. I think he might like me a bit. But the only thing is that Pat flirts with him like crazy! It makes me sick! After the beach everyone came over and we watched "KUFFS", it was pretty good! Well, it's 1:30 so, I better got to bed.
Lovey Dovey,
Sarah
P.S. Ryan was flirting with me like crazy!"

"June 29, 92
Dear Diary,
Well, did I tell you I finally got rabbits and chickens? Well me and Pam did. On Saturday we got two black and white striped chickens and four white rabbits! And today we got 13 white chickens! They're really ugly, because they're bred for meat. Nat didn't know until today though. Family camp is coming up this coming Monday! I'm real excited!
Happy,
Sarah
P.S. I think Ryan likes me.
P.P.S. I loooooove Chris!"

"June 30, 92
Dear Diary,
Lybberts got here today. And Pam's acting like a real big snob towards me. She says Chris is a jerk but that's just because he doesn't do what she wants. Today I went with Sam to the Canada Day fireworks they were pretty good. Gail and Amanda will be coming on Saturday.
Very Sleepy,
Sarah"

So much more gossip to come! Sorry if you're in these entries! I was thirteeeeeeeeeennn!

Friday, June 26, 2009

bye mj



I didn't actually dress as Michael Jackson yesterday or today (this is from a few Halloween's ago). I'd wear my cheapo cloth Thriller jacket but it isn't suited for maternity (like every other awesome article of clothing that I have).

What can I say that hasn't already been said a million times on facebook (literally)? Even though it's totally old news at this point, it still feels weird that Michael Jackson is dead. Weirder than when he was alive, if you can believe it. As crazy as he was over the last 20 years, he still wins title for King of Pop. You really can't beat Beat It, and Thriller still effing rules. I don't think the younger kids will get it, but man, MJ RULED.

I always thought of MJ as something of an Icarus figure. Dude almost touched the sun, then got really, really confused and fell. Plus he had a bad dad. His early awesomeness is as undeniable as his later freakiness, and I always imagined him to be in some state of mental torture. Hopefully he's found peace? Hopefully he wasn't a pervert? Hopefully he doesn't become some infamous ghost, or lead the inevitable zombie revolution?

Anyway, he's dead. Weird. He'll be like Elvis to our kids. This giant mythical icon, and don't think there won't be a cult who believe he's still alive 40 years down the road.

Old news, but it's still on my mind, so I thought I'd blog it. End of an era. Totally.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

©me. fun ideas.

My brother and I used to write a lot of scripts together. We also considered ourselves fairly hilarious (admittedly, still do). It was our Sunday afternoon activity; we'd get totally immersed in our own awesome and selectively hilarious worlds of mayhem. I still have a few on my computer, but a lot of them are buried somewhere on a floppy disc in one of my brother's storage boxes, or are simply in hard copy someplace under many many old forgotten documents. I need to initiate a serious effort to recover them. I've been thinking a lot about writing screenplays again, mainly because it's the only comfortable way I can write fiction. Short stories are too formal and I feel there isn't a lot of spontenaiety to how they roll out (but I'd also like to take a few creative writing courses eventually, because I know that writing fiction can be super fun).

Anyway, I found one of our last collaborations in my "documents". There was a script too, but I don't know what happened to it. It was supposed to be done with puppets and live action, and we had planned to film it during a family reunion (3 years ago). Here is the break-down of the story:

The Misadventures of Greg the Lost Gopher

Greg is a gopher who lives with a guy named Clark, a green furry monster named Dwayne, and a super-sized chicken nugget named Nugget. The circumstances of their living arrangements are not important. The four of them go about domestic chores and duties in their own way. Personality dynamics between characters occur as events transpire. The four are also trying to start a band called The Vonneguts, with no success.

Greg is fairly high strung, as he spends much of his time avoiding golf clubs, BB guns, and tail collectors. He was abandoned as a baby and has a lot of stories to tell about his rough and dangerous past, despite him being a paranoid wuss. Many of his stories don’t add up and the others consider him a compulsive liar.


Dwayne isn’t very smart but is brutally strong and is good for things like lifting cars and taking out large amounts of garbage.


Nugget is the self-proclaimed “leader” of the group and makes a lot of lists, arranges a lot of competitions, and spends most of his time “working” at his desk, hatching stupid schemes that he never follows through with. He uses anecdotes frequently and has a lisp. He also makes a lot of mix tapes, and recommends them constantly.


Clark looks vaguely like Clark Kent and tries to elude others into thinking that he has an alter ego, but doesn’t. He listens to everything Nugget has to say and is always working on his next big “scoop”.


These four characters go about their daily routine until Gopher receives an indistinct letter from a distant relative and decides to find them. The other three insist on coming along, Nugget concluding that the trip will double as a band tour. They pack their crappy shit into a crappy car and head out on their crappy adventure.


Now, I know what you're thinking. "Brilliant!" Oh go on! Really! Go on?

We had some favorite characters, namely Nugget and Clark, who evolved from hours of abusing my youngest brother's action figures and McDonald's toys. One scene we had worked out was Nugget despairing after several failures and listening to Nico (Velvet Underground) while impossibly drinking from an over-sized bottle of liquor (he has no arms). We also had a horror scene where Greg goes to the Gopher Hole Museum in Torrington, AB and recognizes several family members. We had also planned several VERY crappy musical numbers, complete with the overhead, slowly spinning zoom-out camera shot of Greg during the climax/finale.



Anyway, obviously sheer brilliance. I would happily chat with anyone interested in producing it. But it's MINE. ©©©©©©©SARAH ADAMS-BACON©©©©©©©©©©

Sunday, June 14, 2009

sunday diaryah #22

"June 14, 92
Dear Diary,
Well, I don't think Kendrah is going out with Chris anymore. Chris didn't show up at the dance! Mr. V (the principal) is such a slob! I hate him! My weekend was O.K., but my finals are coming up! I hope I pass!
Worried,
Sarah"

"June 18, 92
Dear Diary,
Today I had my L.A. final, it was easy. Tommarow I have S.S. I hope I pass it!
Bye"


Apologies for the mega boring entries. The drama picks up again next week, when school ends and us moody teenage girls start spending too much time together. Funny how I always acknowledged my own PMS but never thought to attribute my friends' sour moods to it. But then, the world DID revolve around me so... man, teenagers are going to be brutal.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

cosmic coinkydink?

So the other night I had a dream that is kind of the recurring variety, but it was slightly different this time. I've dreamed several times of visiting the old blue house that my ex-husband and I bought. In the dream we're still divorced and I don't want to see him, so I very stealthily peek around the place; the yard, the house and its renovations... just seeing what's new. In one dream I was renting the house from my ex, a relatively uncomfortable arrangement, but the price was good. Mostly though, the dreams consist of me peeking at the house from the back alley, by the garage. I've almost done this once in real life, because the house is quite close to the route to Crossroads market. I can't handle the thought of being seen however, and I don't know exactly who lives there anymore so I'd likely come off as some random creep in the back alley.

Anyway, this recent dream was similar, except that I lived with Mike and our family in our own house. I was puttering around on a summer afternoon, and saw my ex peering around the back of the garage. He wasn't visiting, just looking into the yard and peeking at the house.

The dream wasn't especially potent, and aside from the fact that I hadn't dreamed of him in a long time, I didn't think very much of it. He's been away (with his wife) working in London England, so the chances of running into him have been pretty nil. Not that it'd be especially terrible to run into him, it's just that seeing him would remind me of that gross time again. I was a very unhappy person when I was with him; very confused and messy. Besides that, I ended the relationship so abruptly and moved on so quickly that I never really dealt with what happened aside from being angry. I still feel bitter about it, which is silly considering how long it's been. Anyway, it's been out of my mind for the most part. I brought it up again recently while consoling a friend post-break-up, but only because it's my only serious break-up experience. Otherwise I don't think of it too often.

Aaaannnyway... that dream was two nights ago. Then yesterday when Mike called on his break he asked what my ex's wife's name was. I couldn't remember, and he suggested a name which rung a bell. Mike had been at a downtown auction house over his lunch hour and saw my ex and his wife there (my ex's office is nearby). He thought they seemed familiar, and someone called out the wife's name so he connected the dots. No big deal really. My ex has only seen Mike once and back then he had long hair and dressed like a denim skid, so he couldn't have recognized him. From that run-in I'm guessing that my ex is back in town? Again, not a super huge deal since a lot of time has passed and we've both obviously moved on. Still though, running into him would be awkward. I've run into a few of his (our old) friends over the years, and it's been pretty awkward on that scale. I'm just really not looking forward to that 3-second glare/sneer that he's so good at (see? Bitter jab. Sigh.)

I did think it was interesting that the dream and the "sighting" happened so close together. Probably a coincidence, but still...

Sunday, June 7, 2009

sunday diaryah #21

"June 6, 92
Dear Diary,
Last night me, Pam, and Nat slept over at Sam's in her garage attic. It was fun! The next morning we went to a half done cabin at Murial Lake and went swimming. It was cold! Then we came back and played in the sprinkler and went down the banana slide. Pamela was being really snappy at everyone! She was in a real bad mood, but then she'd switch and be perfectly fine. Anyway, we still had a real good time!
Happy but tired,
Sarah
P.S. I get to draw a cartoon for the Cherry Grove newspaper."

"June 7, 92
Dear Diary,
Well, I'm really sorry, but, I didn't bear my testimony today. I don't think Sam was at church today. Tomarrow is districts. Oh Lord please help me!!! I'm so scared I won't be able to do it! Today I went to Anna's, her pig just had a bunch of piglets (8) she also has about 300 chicks, 20 ducklings, and about 15 baby turkeys. They're all so cute! Me and Pam are going to get some chicks and some rabbits! We'll keep them in the barn.
From,
Sarah"

"June 11, 92
Dear Diary,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT? Kendrah S. is going to ask Chris out!! She is such a slut! She's doing it just to get me mad! Tomarrow at the dance EVERYONE is going to have a good talk with him! (he'll be at the dance). I wish I could go too! Tomarrow I'll give him the mallard.
Very Mad,
Sarah"

Monday, June 1, 2009

Lord of the Dawn of the Dead


Crazy dream!

I was hanging out with friends, watching a movie. The main part of the dream was the "movie" though, and it was a zombie movie. It was starring Jeremy Sisto (one of the cops from Law and Order and has also been in other movies. I had to google him for the name) and it was kind of like the part in 28 Day Later where they were in the military place. There was lots of getting lost in the woods and stuff, and being scared of getting infected by zombies. There was only five uninfected people, but one of the guys got bitten and became a zombie too.

At this point my dream switched back to me watching the movie with my friends, and I was telling them that I couldn't watch the movie because it was too scary. One of them started looking for other movies to watch, but he could only find a really crappy version of Alice in Wonderland, so we kept watching the movie.

The scene switched to an army of zombies in the woods, dressed in armor like the orc armies from Lord of the Rings. They were way worse than orcs though because they were all infected with zombieness and were dead people. Plus, they had a huge army and the four uninfected people were screwed. So the army started running towards the people's hideout, but then the Rohirrim ambushed them and killed them! Yay! In my dream the Rohirrim were lead by a queen played by Anjelica Huston, and as they were winning she said "feed them to the fowls of the sea" which makes no sense, but sounded very powerful in my dream. I guess she meant tunas?

Then the four uninfected people got rescued by a helicopter, and as they were flying over the Alps, the Jeremy guy said "anywhere here is fine", while sprinkling cake crumbs on a map of the mountains. Then he said to the others, "remember the little village in the Alps? Do you think it's still there?" and then they were in a little cottage sitting exactly on the peak of a mountain, and there were a few cottages below them with blond men tilling the rocks (made no sense). The four were saying good-bye to the helicopter, and there was one girl who was pregnant (wasn't me).

And then I woke up. There you go. Also, I know my dream was more like 28 Days Later than Dawn of the Dead, but the post title sounded better using Dawn of the Dead.