Sunday, May 31, 2009

sunday diaryah #20

The beginning of my short athletic career:

"May 29, 92
Dear Diary,
Guess what? I won 1st place in long jump!! I jumped 4m 22cm! So now I'm going to districts! At track there were lots of sick and injured people! One girl was running the 1500, and she almost, at the end (she was second) and she collapsed, then Pam ran the 800 and at the end she had a bad asthma attack, she went to the hospital (but she came in 5th), then Shawn B. slit open his hand with his kleats, so he went to the hospital, then one girl popped her knee, another kept having back spasms (they both went too) and a lot of people had sunstroke. But after all that, our school kicked butt! We were ahead of everyone by at least 200 points! Me, Pam, and Svea slept in the cabin last night it was fun! I'm going to give Chris a mallard (stuffed) as a joke, its name is "wet one". I hope he likes it!
Sarah Adams"

"June 4, 92
Dear Diary,
Sorry for not writing but I was so tired! I've been going to bed about 10:30 and getting up around 7:20 every day for the past week! Tomarrow Districts will be cancelled until Monday, but I'm going to wake up early on Saturday and I'll go jogging! I've got to get in shape for districts! I also need some kleats! The school record for junior girls is 4m 28cm and I jumped 4m 22cm! If I wear kleats I'll probably be able to get or beat the record! I really hope heavenly father helps me do my very best! I've got to! I have to!

Little story about my long-jumping skills: this was the only year that I did well in track, and I eventually jumped 4m 33cm. I was very proud of myself (although not proud enough to write it in my diary I guess, since all I can find is more crush drama). My older sister was a renowned school athlete though, and won "Athlete of the Year" pretty much every year. When my younger siblings were in junior high, during track season my old gym teacher would tell them about how their sister set the long-jump record. When they asked which sister, my older sister ended up getting the credit, I guess because she was such a star athlete and no one could imagine me being especially athletic. Anyway, I'm pretty sure my sister's name is in the junior high long-jump records, not mine, even though the record was totally mine. Glory lost!! Boo hoo! It doesn't really bother me that much, but 4m 33cm!!! That's a wicked jump!!

Monday, May 25, 2009

comfy pants: a discovery

I've never been one for comfy pants. I went through a brief phase in my late teens/early twenties when I'd wear gross jogging pants outside of the house (I seem to remember thinking it made me seem more confidant... "I'm so comfortable with myself that I'm excessively comfortable all the time"), but as soon as art school started I purged every pair of unflattering or shabby pants from my wardrobe. In the last few years, the closest I've come to owning "comfy pants" have been the pairs of flannel pajama pants that I get from my mom every year for Christmas. It goes without saying that I do not wear those outside.

Pregnancy changes all that. Where, only a few months ago, I was slinking into skinny jeans that could also easily double as tights, I now demand maximum comfort at all times. Even after my last pregnancy, it was hard for me to let go of the generous waistlines and super-stretch denim. It was kind of sad and a little torturous to wear my "regular" jeans again. I used to rail against women who wore comfy pants outside, and to a certain extent I still think that ladies should take a little pride in what they're exposing to the public. Jogging pants or "active" wear (while not acting "active") worn on a casual basis simply communicates that you are lazy. It doesn't communicate that you "might be active soon" or that you are confidant. It communicates that you have no interest in your appearance and that you likely don't shower.

But people forgive pregnant ladies, right? Right now I'm wearing super comfy cotton capri pants. They aren't exactly unflattering, but they definitely are NOT fashionable. My maternity jeans look like basic denim jeans, nothing really stylish about them. They're comfortable, but I'd still rather wear the cotton pants because the cotton pants are really comfortable. For one thing, I can't afford to buy fashionable maternity jeans when I'll only need them for a few months, and for another, right now I never go out anywhere that I'd like to impress people anyway (nighttime outings especially. I'm in bed around 9pm). Today I'm thinking of taking a walk with Vera, and I don't want to change into jeans. It might be an "active" walk, so in that sense it's justifiable. The river paths are full of people running and acting active. Last time we took a walk down there I actually felt self-conscious for wearing jeans. Still though, I half-expect people coming up behind me (me walking semi-briskly, wearing casual sneakers and *gasp* no pulse-counter-thingy) to think "gawd, have a little dignity..." until they see that I'm pregnant. Then they'll think it's okay. Maybe?

I'm comfy pant-conflicted. I love them, but know that embracing that love too enthusiastically might lead to other fashion/dignity sins such as not showering, mumus, eating potato chips while window shopping, or, god forbid... crocs. I'm making rules for myself: comfy pants are allowed during yard work and long river walks, jeans must be worn for shopping of any kind and other public appearances.

I think I'll wear my comfy pants out today, but we'll go on a long walk and I'll keep a look of deep exercising focus on my face the entire time. Maybe I'll swing my arms extra vigorously too, or put my hair in a high ponytail rather than a low-side ponytail.

Whatever happens, I should probably get out. I think this post makes that quite clear.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

sunday diaryah #19

I've had to edit these entries, the venom spewed is a little embarrassing.

"May 19, 92
Dear Diary,
I HATE ____! He was so jealous! He won't even go close to Chris! And today ____ went to school and told everyone HE shot the bear and Chris just stood around! I HATE ____! I HATE ____! I HATE ____! Chris was feeling a little bad thanks to ____! Mom let Deanne go on a date today! With Adrean! Maybe she'll let me go out with Chris! Chris told Sam he DOESN'T like Nat! Me and Sam are pretty good friends now, and we both LOOOOOOOOOOVVVVE
("o's" written as hearts) CHRIS! He's all I ever think about! I don't know if I'll ever get over him!

"May 20, 92
Dear Diary,
Today I was talking to Vince and he said he wished he could've been there to shoot the bear. Audrey said no-one believed her at school. I LOVE CHRIS! Nat's going to give me some pictures of him!
Lovey Dovey,

"May 21, 92
Dear Diary,
I skipped school today, I kina wish I didn't, I feel so guilty! My PMS started today. Boy, it seems like every day Mom gets lazier and lazier! Last night David and Julie wet and she didn't even change the beds! She makes me so mad! She's always trying to act like a teenager just because she has a boyfriend! She even let Deanne go out with Adriene! Maybe I'll be allowed to go out with Chris! If he ever asks me. It's been snowing lately! Today we had about 6"! But it's mostly melted away. I think God made the weekend nice especially for our camp. I still really love Chris! He's all I ever think about!

"May 23, 92
Dear Diary,
Today a bunch of us went to Sam's to watch movies, and Chris came! We gave him a little thanx note. I think he liked it! Sam really likes him! Oh well, too bad for me, hey? But, I'm not going to give up on him! He's so wonderful! (I know that probably sounds really sappy but it's true!) He's coming to church tomarrow!
P.S. I feel so bummed out."

"May 24, 92
Dear Diary,
Well, today Chris did come to church! Afterwards there was a BBQ at Erickson's but I didn't go because I wasn't invited. But I went afterwards, I went there and Allyson said they were outside so I checked, but there was no-one there, but I heard voices from the road to Stonehockers so I RAN all the way to the hill (they were about at the top) and they thought I was ____ so everyone took off, so I jogged about 1/2 way up the hill and walked the rest without stopping once! Once I was up everyone recognized me. I THINK (but doubt) Chris likes me just a little bit, and I KNOW I (heart) him!
The fit one
P.S. When I got to the top I was barely even tired! It was the strangest feeling I've ever felt!"

Next week: Gossip! Drama! Track and Field!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

with gusto

A while ago I had the brilliant idea of naming a new hot dog condiment "gusto". Not to brag, but I have lots of brilliant ideas regarding junk food, and sometimes other things too. It just seems natural that, while ordering a hot dog, burger, or other meat/bun combo, one ought to be able to request the product "with gusto". Maybe gusto could be a delicious spread made of caramelized onions and vinegar? I don't really know, all I know is that it would be delicious and fun to say.

Aside from eating gusto, using the term "with gusto" in everyday conversation is also very fun. There are some things that go very well with gusto, and some things that don't go well at all. Depending on which direction your personal taste sways, you can throw down all kinds of action–gusto combos. Here is a general guide to what does and doesn't work when using "gusto".

- smacking a friend
- speed walking
- eating anything especially delicious
- applying make-up for a crazy night out
- executing well-practiced dance moves
- giving political speeches
- unveiling things under napkins or metal dinner domes
- dogs catching frisbees
- people throwing frisbees
- playing musical instruments
- making memorable entrances
- diving, cannonballing, shabooey-ing (a mid-air move invented by my brothers)
- babies crying
- doing anything "one more time"
- theatre overacting
- drunken proclamations
- jumping over things
- laughing convincingly
- singing karaoke
- singing for real
- dramatizing a minor accident
- kicking
- figure skating
- blowing smoke rings
- performing mature-rated activities
- any sport that requires jumping from unreasonable heights
- driving during a high-speed chase
- everything a superhero/supervillian does
- killing unexpected and very creepy insects

- cutting someone's hair
- reading in your head
- getting teeth cleaned
- breaking bad news
- expressing genuine pain
- getting eaten by a wild animal
- (for men) shaving your balls
- (for ladies) ladyscaping
- cooking or cleaning naked
- sleeping
- being pregnant
- being middle-aged and chubby and doing things that your body has forgotten how to (riding dirtbikes, swinging on rope-swings, being at weddings, standing on decks)
- barfing (although some could argue otherwise)
- rejecting a romantic offer
- riding public transit
- drinking wine (if you've got any class)
- acting mysteriously cool
- describing an intimate dream about someone else to your husband (best not to do this at all, actually)
- listening to music on your mp3 player in public
- telling others secrets you've sworn not to tell
- talking about someone while they are in the near vicinity
- rolling eyes
- (for guys) getting a vasectomy

Hmm... that's all I can think of right now. I could maybe come up with more but I'm distracted (with gusto). Feel free to add to the list! With gusto!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

sunday diaryah #18

I'm pulling out the best few from the last couple of weeks. There's some gooders!

"May 10, 92
Dear Diary,
Tomarrow Joannie's leaveing to go sheep herding. Everyone was crying at Young Woman's. This week has been VERY spiritual! John A. came to church and to Pam's B-day. He enjoyed himself, he even blew Joannie a kiss and said bye when she had to leave. I think he got a little taste of the spirit. Chris couldn't come to Youth Days because he was grounded for bad marks. I like him anyway.

"May 12, 92
Dear Diary,
I am sooo tired, Julie got up screeching at 1:00 in the morning! I was ready to punch her! Then I slept in until 7:15! I nearly missed the bus! And my hair would not work!
Sleepy sleepy,

"May 18, 92
Dear Diary,
Oh WOW! This has been the best weekend I've ever had in my life! We went out to the island for 2 nights and Chris came both nights! I love him! I love him! I love him! He is so... PERFECT! His sandy blond hair, his natural tan, and his crystal blue eyes. He's so beautiful. God definitely knew what he was doing when he made Chris!

*kay quick pause here. The next chunk is my long account of "The Bear". There were quite a few bears in the Cherry Grove area, and I've seen a few, but this was the first "close-encounter", and also the reason why my insane crush on Chris lasted through the rest of the year. Okay, here we go:

"When we were out there, Sam and Reed were going out to unload some luggage onto the island, and when Sam brought the first box, she saw a black bear right by the tent! She yelled, "oh my ____!" and ran and yelled at Reed that there was a bear. Reed said, "Oh sh__!" and tried to push off but was too slow so Sam jumped in the water and puled the boat out. Then when she came tot he dock, she jumped out and pulled them in. She just yelled, "there's a bear!", jumped on the trike, and ran to get her dad. When her dad got to the island he couldn't find the bear. All this time Svea, Carol, and Chris were out on the island, Debbie caught Svea and Carol in time but Chris was still out by the tent! Luckily Sam's grandpa was there and told him what was happening.

Brian said the bear wouldn't be coming back so we still decided to sleep out there, BUT that night, we were all sitting around the fire (there were no adults) and Pam saw the bear sitting right there by the tree!! "Sam," she said, "there's the bear!" Sam flipped out! When I saw the bear he was at the bottom of the hill. Everyone ran for the tent. Me and Pam stayed for a while screaming "GET THE GUN!" (Brian left it there) So Reed picked up the gun and couldn't find the safety switch so Chris grabbed it, aimed straight for the neck, and shot it SMACK-DAB, right where he aimed! I was about to hug him! I would've but it would've looked weird. That night we skinned it (Svea and Sam left to get Brian right after Chris shot it). I (HEART HEART HEART) Chris!
La La Land,

I think that's enough diaryah adventure for today. I had also written the whole account in detailed story form for "posterity", but I lost it forever ago.

And for those sympathetic to the bear (in retrospect I certainly am, since we dumped grease and pancake batter behind the trees in our camp like idiots), we were 13 and 14-year-olds who thought we were going to die. Also, apparently Chris was teased by his family for shooting a cub (it wasn't a very big bear).


Monday, May 11, 2009

but which is the TRUE "I belong to" group?

Lately I've been doing a bit of face-marveling over the facebook "groups" page. I like peeking at who's joining what, what's new with my groups, and sometimes when I'm really bored, I lurk on discussion pages that I know will make me say "WTF?" for the rest of the day (call it a torturous and snooty pleasure). I know a lot of people who are religious, who join groups that are specifically for people of their beliefs. Facebook is a great way to connect with people of similar interests and outlooks, and I've done the same in joining groups focused on specific things that I like (although I don't join "cause" groups anymore. Their futility is just too sad). I don't have any problem with someone joining a group, religious or no, as a way of defining his or her internet personality (yes I realize how arcane my internet vocabulary is. I'm so not down with 'net lingo).

The part that makes my eyebrows turn up quizzically, however, is when I see several different people joining several different groups that are all basically the same "I'm a Member of Such 'n' Such Church". For example, there are over 500 group search results for "Latter-Day Saints". Skimming through the results, many appear to be straight-up "our church is wonderful" groups, and all are anxious for more group members. Some have five members with a self-portrait pic of some teenager (wha?), but many have several hundreds or thousands of members, and use some famous iconography of the church as their group pic (ie: the Angel Moroni statue, the white Jesus statue, etc).

So my question is this: why would someone who is a mormon (or any other religion, I'm just using mormon as an example because that's what I see most frequently), who wants to feel solidarity with more mormons, and who wants the "face-world" to take note of how wonderful mormons are... why wouldn't they just join one of the biggest existing groups? Why join, or create, a new one? And I'm not talking about regional-specific groups either, I'm talking about the broad "we're ALL the mormons!" groups. What makes their group more true or relevant than ALL the other ones? Do you see what I'm getting at?

And if they do seek out a mormon group, how do they choose? Are some groups too political, too mean, too inclusive or exclusive? Do they do a thorough search and narrow the groups down to the most basic and responsible representation of themselves? And if they do, then how do they then choose between 50 groups that are essentially exactly the same? I guess at that point it wouldn't matter which one they chose, but why would 50 identical groups exist to begin with? Why would someone start an identical group if one already existed? Would they actually assume that no one had started one yet? Wouldn't they check first if they were looking for a group about their church to join? I dunno, I'm pinning it on mini power-trips...

I noticed the same thing after the passing of the recent LDS President. He was a dearly loved and respected man and I'm not trying to downplay that, but during that time I saw about five different "In Memory Of..." groups pop up, just from my family members joining them (there were lots more than five). This didn't make sense to me... why wouldn't everyone just seek out the first one and join it? Like a respect in numbers kind of thing? Why did so many groups exist? Who would decide that the first ones weren't good enough and start their own? I mean, I understand smaller groups sprouting up if they represented different communities or aspects of the person lost, but who would start another broad, "official" remembrance group when many already existed? How is it that dearly remembering someone has become competitive? Which "In Memory Of" group is the TRUE "In Memory Of" group? If this quandary seems absurd, please note that the exact same issue exists within religion. Lots of people loved Jesus. Lots of people choose to honor and worship Him. But which honor and worship group is the true honor and worship group? The answer is essentially the same as the "In Memory Of" question. Pick one. Explain why it made more sense to you than the others. There you go.

Anyway, I hope I'm kind of making my point. I think that the issue of religion becomes especially clear in these cyber-networking environments. No matter how many groups there are that profess to have the clearest representation of what they believe in, there will ALWAYS be many many people who believe that they know better. There will always be splits, fractions, arguments, and off-shoots. In my personal opinion (which is all I've got), I think that much the same way a facebook group is to representing religious organizations, religion organizations are to representing actual divinity. The claim to be the MOST right, to be the MOST true, and to have proof via strength in numbers is exactly the same in religious groups both on the 'net and in real life. Whether these groups actually have the authority to make such claims is anyone's guess.

It comes down to making a personal decision. At least, it should be a personal decision. The sad part is that it's often more about defining "us vs. them", being "chosen", being "right" when everyone else is "wrong". These distinctions seem to be what prevail in organized religion. We're all entitled to making "personal choices", so long as we don't assume the rest of the world will make the same choice.

Anyway, I'll shut down my rant-gears for the day. I'll also lay off snooping groups for a while. Too heavy!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

things that are effed

Just a brief list:

- the environment
- politics
- evangelism
- genetic modification
- ginormous corporations that control entire cultures
- cyborgs
- pregnant ladies (literally)
- extreme poverty
- starvation
- fixer upper houses
- people under 30 making six figure salaries
- diets
- exercise centers
- weightlifters
- professional athletes
- child stars
- fashion (in a fun way)
- art (in a fun way)
- depression
- mental illnesses
- alcoholism
- colonialism
- alchemy
- John Waters films
- death obsessions
- death
- horror movies
- dependence on cars
- people who don't like animals
- mutation
- transportation accidents
- flying
- tornadoes
- volcanoes
- money
- zoos
- mansions
- nanotechnology
- outer space
- Michael Jackson
- plastic surgery
- fame
- fans
- stalkers
- people who can write several novels in a year. so effed!
- the internet
- feature film budgets
- tourism
- how smart animals probably are
- religious rituals
- blind faith
- straightness, bi-ness, gayness... and the fact that we are so set on distinguishing them all
- racism
- people who like being mean
- people who don't read
- savants (in a cool way)
- microbiology
- quantum everything
- brains
- how removed from nature people are – we are all total wussies
- food poisoning
- China
- the U.S.A.
- Africa
- The Middle East
- ignorance combined with arrogance
- machismo
- girls who act stupid to seem cool or attractive
- tanning
- tidal waves/tsunamis
- people who think going on vacations makes them cultured
- fast food
- corn, and how it's in every processed food
- slaughterhouses/meat packing plants
- junk yards
- city dumps
- people who litter
- ladies and menstruation cycles
- people who are 30 and look 40 because of office jobs
- eating disorders
- google maps
- time travel

That's all I can think of right now. Note that by "effed" I don't mean that all of those things are bad necessarily. Sometimes saying something is "effed" can also indicate that it is weird but slightly awesome. I'll let you use your better judgment.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

forehead slaps, groans, and memory headaches

Do you ever have days where you feel bombarded by thoughts of every stupid or lame thing you've ever done? I do. I don't know why, but it always happens, and has since I was a teenager. I've been wanting to make an art project based on it, as a way of exorcising the thoughts that make me feel bad. I think that maybe it would only end up serving as a constant reminder though. Maybe it would work... maybe it would be nicer to have ugly thoughts in a gallery, rather than in my head. I just don't like the idea of them being in both.

It must be a lesser cycle of something like depression, because it usually follows a period of feeling really good. I'll be feeling like I'm really hitting my stride, like I've got my life totally figured out; maybe I'll end up a little too outspoken, say something that I assume everyone will agree with; then I find out that I've offended someone, or that I said something really stupid, and suddenly every dumb thing I've done in the past six months (or even six years) comes flooding back to taunt me. I'm highly opinionated but also highly sensitive (especially while pregnant) – two things that don't work great together.

For example: back during our bake sale, the first few people that came in asked if we had anything gluten free. I was still setting up and was a bit flustered, and I recommended the puffed-wheat squares. IDIOT. Wheat. Puffed wheat. I didn't realize until later that I must've seemed like a total fool. They were nice though, and they still bought stuff, but man.

Or there was the time when I was 15 and asked a friend if he wanted to see a magic card trick. He said "don't do 52 pick-up", and then I did 52 pick-up and had to pick them all up myself. Stupid.

Or the time when I was 13 dancing to Amy Grant with my toddler brother in front of my friends. At the part where she goes, "stop for a minute" I dropped my brother and did "stop" gestures, thinking it was hilarious. But it obviously hurt my brother, and I cringe thinking about it now.

Or the time when I was pregnant with Vera and started crying during a debate about the environment with my family. Embarrassing. I lost credibility and just ended up annoying my family.

Or back when I was 18 and 19 and I'd get super hyper, and I was trying to impress the boy I liked by being funny. I have this one crystallized moment in my head where I was being really loud and looked over to see him looking at me sooooooo annoyed. Booo.

Or (again when I was a teen, I guess teens do lots of dumb stuff) when my little brother's friend was over and he was being kind of goofy, and I was a moody teenager so I told him he was annoying in a really snotty way. Then he sat on the chair across from me, all quiet trying not to cry. Gaah.

At one point I started actually making a list of these things as they came back to me, but I found it depressing. Writing them doesn't mean I'll never do new stupid things, and the fresh stupid things make me feel even worse.

Aaaaannnyway, it's weird and annoying that despite the lovely weather and being generally content, these waves of negativity can still strike. I can't even blame it on PMS since I don't get it anymore. I guess I'll blame it on pregnancy, and blame the non-pregnant waves on PMS. Heaven forbid it's actually just a normal thing that happens to people.

Which leads to a whole other topic of our society's (ugh did I just use the word "society"? What am I, a first-year psychology student?) intolerance of natural lows. Feeling down must always be a symptom of mental or emotional unhealthiness. Blah blah blah I'm not getting into that now because I need a shower and some sun fun. I'll be trying my damndest to not do stupid things though. Why is it so hard?