Sunday, March 22, 2009

sunday diaryah #14

Ahem... winter? C'mere for a sec. Listen, I know we don't exactly see eye-to-eye, and that global warming has kind of given you license to do pretty much whatever you want... but here's the thing (and I think I speak for everyone when I say this): you've totally overstayed you're welcome. Like, totally. At first it was nice to see you because you were so cozy and Christmas was coming, and after that it was like, "oh winter! You can be sooooooo freezing sometimes, haha...", but then February came, and you started acting like you owned the place, and moms everywhere got depressed because they hadn't been outside in weeks. And now it's MARCH and we had some really pretty days and thought you were leaving last week except you forgot something and came back and now you missed your ride and have to wait for the next bus and you're eating all our food and making it really hard to get around...

So, I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything. In proper doses you can be really fun, and you're an essential when it comes to some lovely winter family times, but right now I want green and warm. We all do. So let me just politely tell you that you'd better get yer ass outta here soon or... or else... we'll be grumpy longer.

Plus, I'm almost positive it wasn't snowing in north-eastern Alberta in March in 1992. Listen:

"March 24, 92
Dear Diary,
We have a science fair coming up, I don't really want to go, so I won't! I still haven't seen Chris. I got my hair trimmed.

"March 29, 92
Dear Diary,
I had my birthday on Friday, it was really fun. I'm real sick, I didn't go to church, I was throwing up all day and night. I took 1 graval, 2 tylenols, 3 tsp of pepto bismol, and 1 ear infection pill. I was sleeping all day today. I won't be going to school.

So you see? NO mention of crappy wintertime or snow. And that was waaaay further north than Calgary. You get what I'm sayin' here? Do we have an understanding? Have I made my point?

I thought so. Your bags are by the door.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

sunday diaryah #13

My weekly diary entries (from when I was 12):

"March 16, 92
Dear Diary,
Today we started our projects in I.A., I'm making a duck napkin holder, Nat and Pam are making little metal boxes. I still love Chris. I want him to be my boyfriend, but we wouldn't be able to date. I'm making myself a pretty good name in school!

"March 18, 92
Dear Diary,
I think I'm getting a getto for my birthday, because I've seen the present wrapped up in my mom's closet. For mutual everyone went swimming, Chris!, Pam and I were going to go to Uncle Ken's again, but he wasn't home. Now I wish I had gone to the public pool. Pam and I stayed home and looked at slides of castles, waterfalls, and concentration camps from the older days.

"March 20, 92
Dear Diary,
I'm babysitting tonight, 6 kids! I love Chris. I wanted to go watch movies at Ryan's and pay Jonathon for babysitting for me, but I've done that too much. I bet anything Chris was there and I missed him again!

"March 22, 92
Dear Diary,
Last night I went swimming at the pool, it was fun but I got sick. I went off the diving board lots! Hooray for me! Chris wasn't there though. I look okay in a bathing suit. I want Chris! I haven't seen him for over a month!
hurting heart,

Okay, frankly I'm getting tired of this Chris obsession. I forgot that it persisted for so long. It's actually starting to embarrass me. I've skimmed through the diary and it lasts until November. Sigh... what don't I remember most of it?

Also I don't know that anyone should ever use "castles, waterfalls, and concentration camps" in the same sentence. I'm kind of totally shaming myself for that.

Since I've started these posts, I've been having tons of dreams about my junior high days. Someone who keeps popping up in the dreams is a boy I knew (and crushed on, but apparently not enough to beat CHRIS), Colbey Crawford. I thought he was soooo handsome, and I wanted so bad to be buddies with him. I also worried about him a lot, I think he had a bad home life. I don't know where he is now, but it's very weird to keep seeing him as a rosy-cheeked 6th grader (in high school he got heavy into drugs and serious hip hop style, he was basically Eminem, almost to a tee), and then think about where he might be now. The mother side of me feels really worried about him. Yay for pregnant mom dreams!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

superhero script

I don't know what it was about today, but I felt brighter and more energized than I have in a long time. I was going through a bunch of my old writings and came across this script. I must have written it with my brother Matt about 6 years ago. It's based on when we used to play with my youngest brother's action figures. Anyway, I was laughing hard. Here it is (it's kind of long, but worth it!):

Superman is standing by himself. Enter Green Lantern (who permanently gives the middle finger).

Green Lantern: “Hey Superman what’s going down in this here town? Are you coming to the party tonight?”

Superman: “Coming to the party! I AM the party! Woooooo!”

Both: “AAAALLLLRIGHT!” (while giving high fives and dancing afterwards)

Enter Swamp Monster.

Swamp Monster: “Hey guys I hear there’s going to be a party tonight!”

Green Lantern and Superman in unison: “Youu knooow it!”

Swamp Monster: “OKAY okay! Just askin! Jeez Green Lantern, you don’t have to be such a jerk about it…”

Green Lantern: “Hey eff you! C’ mere you little runt!”

Green Lantern tries to put Swamp Monster in a headlock.

Superman: “Whoa whoa, everybody just calm down. Swamp Monster, Green Lantern has been under a lot of stress lately, so I think it would be best if we all agreed to bring fried chicken to the party tonight.”

Swamp Monster: “-sigh- You’re right Superman. You always are. Well, I’m going to go start getting ready for the partay.”

Green Lantern: “Okay.”

Swamp Monster: “Okay, Bye! I’ll see you LAYYTAAAAARRRR!”

Exit Swamp Monster.

Green Lantern: “He ain’t bad.”

Superman: “Yeah, he’s all right I guess. Come on Green Lantern, let’s go home.”

Superman puts his hand on Green Lantern’s shoulder and they head towards the Superman car. Enter Clark.

Clark:”Oh, hey guys! Hey, Superman, can I borrow the car?”

Green Lantern: “Uh… NO!”

Clark: “Green Lantern, you think you’re so funny, but really you’re a jerk.”

Green Lantern: “Whatever, nice ponytail. What are you? Some kind of a loser?”

Clark: “That’s none of your biznaz. I’m talking to my brother IF YOU DON’T MIND!”

Green Lantern: “Whatever. I’m waiting by the car.”

Green Lantern takes two steps to the car, then leans on it looking mad.

Clark: “So I really need the car tonight, Superman.”

Superman: “What for? Not that I mind lending it to you, but last time you forgot to gas it up…”

Clark: “I knooooow! That was Snakey’s fault, he said he filled it but I found out later he only PRETENDED to fill it.”

Superman: “Why was Snakey even filling it?”

Clark: “He likes to. He says it’s satisfying, like taking a really long pee.”

Superman: “Ooookaaaay. What do you need the car for?”

Clark: “I’m going to a party.”

Superman: “Oh really? Where?”

Clark: “At the cool hideout.”

Superman (putting his hand on Clark’s shoulder and sighing): “Clark, if I knew what to say, I would say it…”

Clark: “What?”

Green Lantern: “You’re not allowed to come to the cool party.”

Clark: “Whaaat? But that’s REEDICULOUS!”

Superman: “See, the thing is, I’D like for you to come, but nobody else really likes you at all. So, why don’t we just agree to disagree on that.”

Clark: “Ya but Swamp Monster is going.”

Superman: “Well he was initiated last week. Surprised you missed it. Anyway… car’s full.”

Superman and Green Lantern hop in the car and speed (maybe fly) away with Green Lantern’s hand sticking out giving Clark the finger.

Clark hangs his head and starts walking away.

Clark (quietly): “Gee I’m glad it’s raining…”

Exit Clark.

Next Scene.

Clark is sitting on the floor by himself.

Clark (to himself): “I thought I had found someone I could count on till the end, all they wanted was a hero, all I needed, was a friend… gee, I wish I had a friend. Friend. Friend. Friend.”

Enter McNugget.

McNugget (with heavy, childish lisp): “CLARK my good man! What theemth to be the problem?”

Clark: “Oh… nothing… -sigh-“

McNugget: “Well, if that’th all, I wath wondering if maybe I could borrow fifty dollarth.”

Clark: “-SIGH- I guess. Check my fanny pack.”

McNugget: “With pleasthure!”

McNugget checks Clark’s fanny pack.

Clark: “-SIGH-“

McNugget: “All I can find ith two nickleth.”

Clark: “Yeah, I was saving it, but I guess none of that matters now.”

McNugget: “Clark, you theem blue. Letsth talk.”

McNugget sits next to Clark.

McNugget: “Clark, there comth a time in every manth life, when he feelth down, thad even. I find that the bethst method for thith thtrange affliction is fifty dollarth. “

Clark: “You really think so McNugget?”

McNugget: “Clark, my good man, I know tho.”

Clark: “Well that settles it! I’m going to go get fifty dollars! HA ha!”

McNugget: “Good, and when you get it, give it to me.”

Clark: “Why?”

McNugget: Becauth you won’t need it anymore thilly! Really Clark! You are too much!”

Clark: “I guess you’re right.”

McNugget: “And I need it by five.”

Clark: “Why five?”

McNugget: “Why, for the competition of coarth! Clark, don’t tell me you forgot about the competition tonight!”

Clark: “Oh, right. Okay, I’ll have the money by five.”

New Scene:

McNugget is standing with Snakey, Manta Ray #1 & #2, Luke Skywalker, and April O’Neil.

McNugget: “Mth O’Neil, what time ith it?”

April: “How the hell should I know? I’m outta here.”

McNugget: “Very well, you are dithmished. Thnakey?”

Snakey: “Yesssssssssss?”

McNugget: “Thame questhtion.”

Snakey: “It’sssssssssss five.”

Clark appears from nowhere.

Clark: “HEL-lo!”

McNugget: “Clark! My but you thtartled uth. Tho? Did you get the money?”

Clark: “Yep, here you go! Fifty BIG ones!”

Clark hands the money to McNugget.

McNugget: “Very well! LET THE GAMTH BEGIN!”


Clark, McNugget, Snakey, Manta Ray #1, and Luke Skywalker are all standing around awkwardly.

McNugget: “They should be here any minute!”

Snakey: “Did you call?”

McNugget: Yeth! Over two hourth ago!”

Luke: “I’m huuuungryyyyyyy!”

McNugget: “Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! Okay, think McNugget. I thent the invitation about three month ago, tho they thertainly retheived it, we can’t have the competition if the other team doethen’t show, I bought fifty dollarth worth of cream thoda, tho that leaves me…”


McNugget: “One more word out of you pipthqueak and I’ll knock your thocks off, got it?”

Luke: “SCREW YOU!”

Luke runs away.

Manta Ray: “Manta Ray #2 was right, this competition is lameo.”

Snakey: “I’m leaving too. Ssssssssssssssssssss.”

McNugget slumps down and Clark sits down next to him.

McNugget: “I’m ruined! RUINED!”

Clark: “There there. Hey, you’re NOT ruined, okay? Remember what happened last time nobody showed up to your competition?”

McNugget: Yeth! Thomeone thtuck a thing on my back that thaid, “nobody ever showth up to my competitionth and I thmell” and I didn’t notice it for three weekth!”

Clark: “Yes but-“


Clark: “Well, it was true wasn’t it? If you ask me, they were doing you a favour. No offense.”

McNugget: “None taken. It’th jutht, where were they thith time? What could have pothibly been more important?”

Clark: “Who?”

McNugget: Thuperman! Thpiderman! Green Lantern! Flath! And I wath really looking forward to theeing thwamp monthter again!”

Clark: “Oh, they were having a party tonight.”

McNugget: “What? A party? Why weren’t we informed?”

Clark: “Oh, uh… they probably just forgot, or probably thought we were busy.”

McNugget: “Yeth, well, that’th underthtandable.”

Clark: “Come on McNugget, let’s go have fun on our OWN terms.”

McNugget: “I don’t know what that meanth but okay.”

Next Scene:

All the cool guys are at their awesome party.

Spiderman: “Wooooooo! PARTAY!”

Superman, Green Lantern, and Flash: “Woooooooooooooo!”

Swamp Monster is spinning records in the corner.

Green Lantern: “Hey Swamp Monster! If I’d have known you could spin so well, I’d have been nicer to you a looooong time ago! Wooooooo!”

Superman is flying loop-de-loops.

Superman: “Woooooooooo!”

Flash: “Go Superman! Go Superman! Go! Go! Go Superman!”



Sunday, March 8, 2009

sunday diaryah #12

Wow I was almost 13!

"March 8, 92
Dear Diary,
I don't want to go to school tommarow! Even though my marks are beautiful! I'm not too sure about math though, because we haven't had the test yet. Lately it seems I've got everything going for me! Except Chris! I MISS HIM! My artistic talent just seems to get better! I'm so thankful to Heavenly Father for blessing me with all my talents! I've yet to pay my tithing though.

"March 14, 92
Dear Diary,
Sorry for not writing for so long, but Pam, Nat and I slept in the cabin for two days, then helped uncle Ken put up a big greenhouse, made a giant mudpuddle, went to really pretty places in the woods and named them, Terrebithia, Fields of Emptiness: because all the puddles are empty, Field of Dreams: because it's so open, and Narnia. Then we swam at uncle Ken's in his underground pool in the greenhouse, and had a pizza party at uncle Ken's. A very, very, fun weekend! Only I never saw Chris once!

I like the idea of "empty puddles". What makes them different from "the ground"? Also, the "underground pool" was actually the greenhouse's septic tank. It was clean though. I think.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

sunday diaryah #11

Yay for pre-adolescent diary entries!

"March 1, 92
Dear Diary
Nothing really exciting happened today, I was called for home making president though!

"March 4, 92
Dear Diary
I started my period today, what a drag! I still really, really, really, really, really, love Chris! I wish James would get a haircut!

"March 6, 92
Dear Diary,
I just finished the book 'Robin Hood', it was good! Here are SOME more of my favorite movies:
Here I've pasted little images of the video covers for: Home Alone, Kindergarten Cop, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, and Dances with Wolves.
P.S. I (heart) Chris!"

"March 7, 92
Dear Diary,
Today I drew that picture of Kevin Costner, it turned out wonderfully! I went to a small party at Nat's, it sucked thanks to Andrea! Sometimes I hate that girl so much! (I know I shouldn't be using the word "hate") Larse was being a little JERK. Chris was going to come, but her never. I miss him! I haven't seen him in so long! But, as they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder!" How true! I wish I could act again! It's been so long since I was in a camera! Sammy's been good, Buscuit's happy, and the cat's gone somewhere. Here's one of Sam's feathers!

*Here I've taped a couple of my cockatiel's feathers.