Wednesday, January 28, 2009

saxomaphoning

Right before my parents divorced, I decided to join band in school. I wanted to learn to play the saxophone. Before I could take a crack at it, the big messy divorce happened, and the one thing my dad would tell me after we left was that he'd send me a saxophone for Christmas. He never did, and I ended up taking piano, eventually deciding that music lessons were boring and lame and quitting after a year. I regret that now, and I've tried to teach myself the guitar, but the daily discipline just isn't there.

My musical ineptitude aside (I can karaoke like a fake rock star with the best of 'em), I feel like the saxophone is an underappreciated instrument in contemporary pop and rock music. I mean, obviously jazz and blues still know what's what when it comes to their brassies, but whatever happened to the blaring wail of the saxophone solo? If the 80s are coming back anyway, can't we bring sax solos back too? I don't know if anything else can express sadness, jubilance, arrogance, and romance in the same note. Don't know what I'm talking about? Give these a listen:

-Bruce Springsteen, "Born to Run". This my all-time favorite saxophone solo, and it's the one that I imitate during conversations when I'm feeling especially hyper. It's quick, punchy, and perfect for shakin' yer shoulders to. And watch Clarence Clemmons! He RULES!!!

- of course Men At Work's "Who Can it Be Now?" is aaaalllllll about the saxophone. The video sucks, but lookit how COOL the saxophonist is. Juz popping out of that bathroom and struttin' down that hallway, he's feelin damn good. Did he flush? Doesn't matter. What matters is, he's got a sports jacket and a saxophone.

- while I'm not a huge fan of the song itself, Billy Joel's "It's Still Rock 'n' Roll to Me" has one of the best sort of sax solos. It's the kind where you go, "Whoa! Where the hell did that saxophone come from?" I'd even argue that the saxophone solo in this song is the shining moment of the track. Also, I was struck by how unattractive Billy Joel is/was. Oh well.

- and what would INXS's "Never Tear Us Apart" be without that heart wrenching saxophone? God, I loooooove that song.

- of course, The Rolling Stones have to be on this list (they are the prime example of soul & blues translating into rock & roll), and "Brown Sugar" is a great example of a sax at its best. Plus, I just really love watching Jagger strut.

That's all I can come up with right now, naturally there are tons more, but I think I've made my point? Bring back the saxophone solo! Do it! Now!


AFTERNOON UPDATE! THERE ARE MORE.

- "(I've had) The Time of my Life" has a good one if you want to sit through the first three quarters of the song. Also, who doesn't love a little Swazerblades?

- and as pointed out by "anonymous", "Careless Whisper" by WHAM of course. Of course! Another one of my favorites that I apparently love so much that I totally forget about... Also, the video has John Candy so...

Link

Sunday, January 25, 2009

sunday diary-ah #6

So just because I'm pregnant now doesn't mean things will change between my diary and I. It still remains a humiliating account of my terribly naïve adolescence, and I still want to shove it in your faces!

"Jan 25, 92
Dear Diary,
I saw Chris LOTS today. Everytime we pass each other he STARES at me. I think a guy liked me at volleyball, after our game against Shea's team, Shea came up, shook my hand, said "good game!" and left. Then this other boy walks up, holds out his hand and says "good game" and shakes my hand. I mean, it's not everyday a perfect stranger walks up to you and shakes your hand! There were some other really cute guys! But the cutest was Chris.
Bye!"

"Jan 26, 92
Dear Diary,
Today the Douglas's came over for supper. I wanted to go to Vince's borthday but mom wouldn't let me.
Bye!"

"Jan 28, 92
Dear Diary,
I was too tired to write to you last night. Nothing happened anyway. I can't find my curling iron anywhere! Maybe I'll remember in a dream. I hope I dream that Chris is in love with me tonight!
Bye!"


This next post's writing is so messy, it's really stupid looking.

"JaN 29, 92
DeaR DiaRY,
ThIS eNtRy wIlL PrObaBLY bE a LiTTle MeSsY sInCE I'm wRitIng wiTH my RiGhT hAnd. I bURnT mY FinGeR On sOmE hOT GlUe ANd iT hURts! tOdAY WaS vERy bORinG eXcEPt tHat wE cOVerED BinDers IN mUtuAL.
bYE!"

"Jan 30, 92
Dear Diary,
We are completely out of pads! And I think I might start soon! My mom's got one in her purse though, so I'll use it for tommarow. Pam and me went sleding today, it was fun.
Bye!"


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

she can fly, she can fly, she can flyyyyy!!!

When I was a kid I wholeheartedly believed that it was only a matter of time before I learned how to fly. I figured that flying was pretty much on par with driving, and the only reason that the adults I knew didn't fly, was because they were too busy driving and being boring.

Once in grade one I was playing by myself in the playground gravel. A boy came up and asked if I wanted to see him fly. Being the shy and wary type, I said no. As soon as he walked away I was kicking myself, "idiot! You blew it!!" I considered this my massive missed opportunity, until around grade six when I realized that he likely would've just showed me his pants zipper ("fly").

Even then, though– even then I felt like I was just a hair away from knowing how to fly. I'd have recurring dreams where, if I peddled my feet fast enough, I could hover slightly above the ground and zoom around. Or, after building enough momentum while jumping, I could suspend myself in the air for seconds at a time. I also had true blue flying dreams, where I could simply shoot myself into the air and enjoy that feeling of total freedom.

I played sports as a teenager. Mainly volleyball and soccer. In volleyball, having a "sweet vert" (being able to jump high) was an asset, and because of my height, it was something that always frustrated me. If I was lucky, I could get my fingers just barely higher than the net. I also had what could best be described as "brute strength", and when I hit the ball it either smacked someone forcefully in the face, flew out of bounds, or slammed the opposite wall. I imagined that if I could just harness that power into my legs, I could bound higher than any of my teammates, like a super duper trampoliner power forward. Eventually my inconsistence got me cut from the team, and I switched to soccer, where my coach would switch me in and mumble, "go hurt someone."

But back to flying, I still feel like there must be some secret right in front of me that if discovered, would enable me to drop these gravitational chains and swoosh away. Like if I could just harness my physical self at the quantum level, direct all my molecules at once, and find some kind of loop hole in the laws of nature... there must be a way...

As a teenager I also read a lot of comics, routinely pillaging my brothers' stashes and spending plenty of time drawing the heroes, assessing their powers, and wracking my brain with how I could become one of these amazing beings. I worked out excessively; my routine went something like this: weight-lifting after school, 5k run once home, stairs, obscene amounts of sit-ups, push-ups (with legs either up on my bed, OR while doing a hand-stand against my wall), and then jumping. Just plain jumping. I wanted my body to be 100% tuned, toned, and able to handle any variety of extreme physical situations. What happened, however, was that I became thick, stout, and bulky. I looked like a little he-man. I realized this after seeing video footage of myself, and that was it. Full stop. I switched to stupid diets and lots of stretching.

For the record, my favorite superhero is Jean Grey (mind powers that enable her to do crazy stuff, and the Phoenix Force!!! More powerful than ALL the other superpeople COMBINED!).
Anyway, I don't read comics anymore, but I have happily indulged in many superhero movies.

And speaking of movies, the first time I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon I was floored with how the characters moved exactly like I could in my dreams. Likewise, to a lesser extent, the characters in The Matrix seemed to have it down. Most recently, Iron Man awoke my silly flying craving again, and while we were watching it I whispered to Mike, "that's how I'd move if I could fly," to which he responded with a grunt.

I've never hang-glided or sky-dived, and I'd probably enjoy either, if not for the mortal terror that would assuredly accompany me. It's not so much about free-falling or being out there in the sky– for me it's more about having complete and ultimate power over my physical being and surroundings. When I tell my body to soar twenty feet into the air, it does. That's what I'd like, please.

So there. I want to fly. If you've come closer to figuring it out than I have, feel free to drop me some hints. Otherwise, I'll just keep expecting news of that awesome scientific discovery. Soon, I'm sure of it. Soon.

Monday, January 19, 2009

fake travel log: egypt

Seeing as how it'll be some time before Mike and I take any sort of exotic vacation, I've decided to do weekly fake travel logs. In them, I will highlight my complete ignorance concerning locales of the world, and let my imagination roam free as to what I expect any given place might look like. Eventually, this will make you pity me, and send generous amounts of money to be used for future travel. It is the perfect plan.

Egypt

Day 1: "Wow. It's so nice here. Those pyramids are so big. I could never make anything that big. Like, people back then must've been really tall, and super buff, or else how could they have made those things? And in sandals? Some people also say that the pyramids were made by aliens, but I don't know... wouldn't there be little alien slave skeletons stuck between the blocks? You'd think so. Stargate was totally off."

Day 2: "My camel is a chain smoker. Our guide keeps having to coax it with cigarettes whenever it doesn't want to move, which is every 15 minutes or so. We're still in a kind of deserty area, and I've been waiting to have a real life mirage, but so far I've just seen hot dog stands on the horizon that keep turning out to be real. That fat man on the camel behind me acts like these are blessed oases, and we have to stop every time so he can see if this stand has any new condiments."

Day 3: "Uh oh! Dust storm! Plech plech plech. Oh god, my eyes. Ahhhhhh why aren't we taking shelter? I think my camel is running but I can't really tell, I can't see or hear anything except for a faint hooting that is most likely the fat man. Oh man, this sucks."

Day 4: "We're going to Cairo today. Frankly, I'll be pretty happy to say goodbye to this frickin' camel, I think I've developed second-hand lung cancer from the bastard. I'm excited about Cairo because it reminds me of the Carmen Sandiego computer game I used to play as a kid. She always ended up in Cairo!"

Day 5: "I just realized that I have no idea where Mike and Vera are. I'm trying to retrace my steps... oh ya, the airport... they went to the bathroom and I said, "I'll meet you at the pyramids." Dang, it came out as a joke but I guess I actually must have left. I'm a DICK!"

Day 6: "Back at the airport. Mike and Vera were still trying to hail a cab. We agreed to cut our losses and head home. Luckily, I grabbed several souvenir hot dogs that we can eat before customs. Overall, I'd rate this trip three out of five stars."

Sunday, January 18, 2009

sunday diary-ah #5

Sorry for not posting the last two days, I was majorly distracted by the lovely weather! As promised, here is some terrible sunday diary-ah, hope you enjoy!

"Jan 18, 92
Dear Diary,
If I had three wishes, my first one would be that I could have never ending wishes whenever I WANTED, my second wish would be that there would be such thing as mermaids, and me Pam, Nat, Amanda, Audrey, Cory, Larse, Chris E, Dennis E, Ryan, Vince, and Reed were the only ones and we'd be able to breath in water AND air, and no humans that would hurt us, would ever, ever find out about us, and we could reproduce and start a world of mermaids. My third wish would be for peace everywhere. Other wishes would be, if one of us mermaids/mermen came out of a lake, we would turn into humans again, and we'd be able to fly. Chris would be my mate, and he'd treat me with loyalty and respect, and he'd love me very much. And none of us would ever get cold under water. We'd live on seafood (sushi). All the females would be beautiful and kind, all the men would be handsome and caring. We would live in under water caves, and seem invisible to humans swimming in the water, but if we surfaced or the human was out of water, we would be seen, but they would forget everything within 5 seconds. Our families would know about us until the Second Coming, and any of them who turned against us (in the family), would be transformed into a merperson and would live with us.
Bye!"


*Sorry for the tedious lump of that post, as you can well imagine, it flowed out of me as an inspirational epiphany...

Also, I should note that at this time I had made a massive set of mermaid paper dolls, complete with coral, caves and fish. They were a secret, and I'm pretty sure I eventually destroyed them.

"Jan 19, 92
Today was pretty boring, just went to church. But it was almost +10 today! Pretty warm!
Bye!"

"Jan 20, 92
Today in home ec. we made muffins, ours didn't work too well. On the weekend I'm going to the stake volleyball tournament, I'll probably go with Nat, or Ericksons, the only reason me and Pam want to go with Ericksons is because Chris will be in the van. We'll likely be staying at Lybberts over night!
Bye!"

"Jan 21, 92
Today Natalie had a really bad day, her and Amanda were mad at each other, and in french class Amanda told everyone that nat was the one that started it, so they were all mad at her too. Nat started crying and ran into the bathroom! Poor her! That mean Amanda! She's nothing but one big fraud!
Bye!"


*Apologies to Amanda if she ever reads this, I didn't really think she was a fraud, In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what the word actually meant.

"Jan 22, 92
Dear Diary,
Today in mutual we practised volleyball, I can't wait to see Chris at the tournament! I think Nat's mad at me, she was acting kind of weird.
Bye!"

"Jan 25, 92
Dear Diary,
Today I'm in Spruce Grove, tommarows the tournament. We rode up here with Laws. It was fun.
Bye!"


Next week: volleyball flirtations! lost curling irons! maxi pad shortages!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

sunday diary-ah #4

Ahhhh! I slept in 'till 11:00am and woke up to french toast with raspberries, sausages, and smiles! I think that's the first time in two years that I've slept in that late, thanks 2am nyquil! My stupid cough was keeping me up, and you know what works for an annoying cough? NOTHING. Nyquil is my last resort, knock-'er-out, dream wacky dreams, wake up feeling like a groggy teenager remedy.

And speaking of teenagers, or almost teenagers, it's time for diary-ah sunday!!! I thought that, before I post the entries, I'd describe the journal that I'm referencing. Maybe when I get some bonus extra time I'll scan it too. It's a small pink diary with a lock, and on the cover is Garfield, writing in his diary by candlelight. It's title is "Diary". The inside cover is densely covered in "I LOVE [fill in name]!!!!" with many crossed out and replaced with "NO! I DON'T LOVE [name] ANYMORE!!". There are also a few jottings of "fight the power!", "fight for a better future!", "let's clean up this generation!". Ah, the naïve idealism of youth! So convicted, yet so totally unwilling to lift a finger to actually do anything.

Previously, I've been leaving out names that I felt uncomfortable or embarrassed posting (since some of those people might actually read this), but seeing as how these things unraveled 17 years ago (why did I have to do THAT math? I'm oooolllldd), I'm just going to post them as are. Also, I HAVE to mention that I DON'T retain any romantic feelings towards these boys anymore, okay?

The one boy that will be popping up several times in the next few entries is Chris E. I, and every single girl (not "single" girls, because we were all "single", I mean every single girl) in the tiny little hamlet of Cherry Grove, loved this boy fiercely for an extensive chunk of our adolescence. If you must, picture him as a 14-year-old Aragorn. He was from a ranch, was wise in the ways of the woods, very handsome, rugged (however rugged a 14-year-old can be), and... charming?

With that in mind, here are the entries:

"Jan 12, 92
Dear Diary,
Chris came to church today! He was wearing the same stuff he was last night! I think I'll give up on Dennis, he probably doesn't even know I exist. I've got way better chances with Chris than him. My heart will still skip a beat every time I see him though.
Bye!

Jan 13, 92
Dear Diary,
These are my favorite movies so far:"


Here I've pasted several of those "columbia house"-type movie stickers, including Weekend at Bernie's, Twins, Coming to America, The Bear, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Princess Bride, Quigley Down Under, and Dance With Wolves.

"...and Robin Hood, but I couldn't find his sticker. Today I just moved into my room. My period started right after I got home from school.
Bye."

Jan 14, 92
Dear Diary,
I love Chris E! He's so happy, he knows french real good, he's good looking and mature, and he loves the outdoors, his eyes are so sharp, if he looked at you in anger, he'd make you want to evaporate with the rain. HE'S PERFECT! HE'S THE ONE I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT BUT I NEVER REALIZED IT TILL NOW! When I went sleding, he came up the hill and sat beside me, he had just finished going down in a couple of hilarious ways. he said "I think I'll go down like a normal person this time." "Impossible," I said. "You're not very nice!" I looked at him and grinned, "I know." And every time we pass each other our eyes lock. I think this love is for real.
Hopelessly lovesick,
Sarah"


Okay, let me interject here. Halfway through typing this I groaned out loud and hung my head with my eyes squeezed shut. Why am I doing this? Because I'm hoping, hoping that it's less pathetic and more entertaining now. Ugh. On to the next ones:

"Jan 15, 92
Dear Diary,
Guess what? Today I told Pam and Nat that I loved Chris, and they do too! I think he likes me though. He is so, so perfect! I LOVE HIM!!!! We played volleyball today for youth, I was doing real good!
Bye!

P.S. It's 10:12, the clouds are moving fast! They just whizz past the moon, it's getting scary."


Kay that's enough for today. They seem to be getting progressively more humiliating (don't worry, I'll post them all). Next week: wishes! Mermaids! Gossip!

Monday, January 5, 2009

now I've seen EVERYTHING kind of!

Holidays are over, waaahhhh! And I'm siiiick, waaaaaaahh! And we're out of baby butt wipes, waaaaahhh! And we're almost out of good christmas cheese, waaaaaahhh!

Don't cry for me, internetland, the truth is, I'm a huge wussy baby. I'm not as sick today, as I was yesterday, probably thanks to spending the whole day on the wii (that whole bit should've been sung out loud Evita style). Literally all day. 8 hours at least. Paradise. I came up with tonnes of great new wii game ideas (with the help of my ladybud Erin via phone call), such as: wiiVitaminC, wiiFluids, wiiNyquil, wiiChickenSoup, wiiKleenex, and my favorite, wiiSleep.

Being a mom and being sick DOES suck bad though. First, you don't want to get your baby sick. Second, your child doesn't understand that mommy needs rest time, and if you whine more, baby whines waaay more. Third, nobody takes care of you AND you have to continue diligently taking care of baby. See? Sucky. What do moms with lots of kids do? Or *shudder* twins? I'm whining, I know. I'll have the last of the cheese with it.

I AM going to talk about physical chemistry and gender relationships, but I need to wait until my head is more clear. For now I'm going to list things that I want to say in conversation someday (that may or may not be funny). I like doing this, because usually I just forget everything when I'm talking to someone. I'm way more clever in written form (if you consider these clever, which you may not):

-"Now I know how Erin Brockovitch feels."
-"That's like asking a fat guy if his tv remote is lost in his skin rolls." (ouch! mean!)
-"If I got a nickel every time I won the lottery, I'd be so rich. Mainly from winning the lottery though."
-"Kittens in mittens!?! Now I've seen EVERYTHING!"
-"Seriously, does anyone here know karate? Didn't think so."
-"Two words: Jerry. McGuire."
-"No, my bonch trimmers use double A's."
-"Is that a weird shaped potato in your pocket or are you recovering from a major crotch accident?"
-"Wait wait wait... you're telling me Janet Jackson wasn't a Backstreet Boy?"
-"I've just never recovered from that David Copperfield incident."
-"Bears on bicycles? Now I've seen EVERYTHING."
-"Bears in space? Now I've seen EVERYTHING."
-"A bear in my bed this morning? Now I've seen EVERYTHING."
-"Mike getting hit by a space rock and then transforming into a space bear, and then re-proposing to me with a ring that has the space rock set in it? Now I've seen EVERYTHING."
-"Peanut butter and jam in the same container? Now I've FINALLY seen EVERYTHING. Seriously."
-"I never believed in miracles, until the time that I found a dollar in my ear."
-"If it was good enough for Neanderthals, then dammit, it's good enough for me."
-"Yeah, well... I'm pretty sure nude riverdancing is a sign of the apocalypse."

That's all I can think of right now. Feel free to use them I guess, just be sure to say "TM" after, or "copyright Sarah Adams-Bacon" after, or something. Or at least talk about how awesome I am, to the point that your friend thinks that you're kind of crazy. Thanks yo!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

sunday diary-ah #3

Okay here we go... let me just warn everyone that they get pretty terrible. It pains me a little to share them, but I MUST:

Jan 1, 1992 (12 years old)
"Dear Diary,
Happy New year! I'm still at L___'s, we're leaving tommarow. Last night, we watched Dances with Wolves and Field of Dreams. I love Kevin Costner!
Bye!"

Jan 2, 1992
"Dear Diary,
I'm home! Thank goodness! K__ and M__ sure fight alot! I was getting homesick too! I want to go back into the acting business, but only do short, easy, but important parts in movies. I wish I had Kevin Costner as my dad!
Bye!"

-as a younger kid I went to a couple of auditions... aka: "the acting business"

Jan 4, 1992
"Dear Diary,
Last night I had a party, we watched Robin Hood twice! I've seen that movie 8 times and I'm not sick of it! I LOVE THAT MOVIE! P__ and A___ were looking all over for my diary key, I hid it well though, first it was in my pen case, then I put it in my sock. A___ found some papers I put under my light, now they know I used to like V___ and L___! I was sooo embarassed!
Bye!"

Jan 6, 1992
"Dear Diary,
Today I went to the doctor's after school, I've got another ear infection and I didn't even notice it! I went in for my stuffy nose! I was sure tired today because last night I woke up with a sore ear.
Bye!"

-not sure why the sore ear didn't clue me in

Jan 8, 1992
"Dear Diary,
Oh! I sure wish I had Kevin Costner as a dad! I could really get started up in acting then! And I wish Dennis was my boyfriend! Today we played volleyball in mutual, I was pretty good! And Paula kicked M___ off the bus today too. A___ started to cry!
Bye!"

Next time: new totally totally stupid crushes!!!